Wave if you're really there
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: After Freddie's volent death and Effy's subsequent suicide, none of the gang wanted to stay in Bristol. Except Katie Fitch that is. So, when Effy's ghost appears, of course, she turns to her for help. Things get complicated fast...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skins. I'm just borrowing their epic characters for a while.**

**Author's note: Originally, this was going to be a oneshot, but I don't like them to be too long, so I'm breaking it up.**

**My first Katie/Effy fic. Not what I expected and I'm sorry folks, not the sequel I promised either. Oh well, I like this so far, I hope you will too. I haven't had a chance to proof read so please excuse any errors.**

Effy the ghost was a lot like Effy the girl, infuriatingly silent. The first time I saw her I was on the bench overlooking Brandon hill, a place I came to think. At first I was more annoyed that she had invaded my sanctuary, it didn't occur to me that ghosts didn't respect boundaries, I was just angry, annoyed that she was there. She didn't look like a ghost, she just looked like Effy, real as the last time I'd seen her. Before the interruption I was thinking as the sun set and the light faded that I should have got the hell out of Bristol when I had the chance. The apparition only cemented this in my mind. _Why did I stay?_

I tried to kid myself that the job I was offered was too good to pass up, they'd fast track me with no need for University and all that studying, it was ideal, but it wasn't the main reason. I foolishly hoped that I could make Bristol my own, that was the truth. Turns out I wasn't alone though was I. Either that or I was finally having the breakdown that I'd staved off since Gobblers end. I should have had that counselling that Ems kept banging on about, but I was too stubborn, and now I was bloody seeing things.

Effy couldn't be a ghost, I didn't believe in them. She must just be a trick of my stressed out brain. I was working too hard, that's all. Trust Effy Stonem to appear to me, we weren't even friends, and I didn't even like watching Casper as a kid. Emily was always more into that X Files stuff, the paranormal. I thought it was bullshit.

"You've got the wrong Fitch." I muttered. I'd now escalated to talking to myself. I must be mad. Effy didn't say anything of course. She just stared at me, seeing through me as ever, biding her time no doubt. I winced, looking round for rocks or other sharp objects in case she'd come to finish me off, but ghosts can't hurt you can they? Even imaginary ones. I thought spirits were supposed to have unfinished business, but she wasn't asking anything of me, she was just stood there, that trademark Effy smirk on her face.

I started walking, thinking that when I got to my house, amongst the noise of my parents arguing and James being James, my subconscious would shake her off. Maybe I'm just lonely; I miss Emily, my friends, even Naomi bloody Campbell. _That's all this is. I need to get out more._ As I walked I considered going to visit Emily this weekend, I'd phone her, check she wasn't too busy. I wasn't working so I could just book train tickets and go. Leeds wasn't that far and it would do me good to get away for a while. I didn't look behind me, but I knew she was still there, lurking, all the same. "Leave me alone!" I called out; feeling like an even bigger nutter than I undoubtedly looked.

I got home. Refused dinner. Went to my room and locked the door. With a smug smile I noticed that my plan had worked, she hadn't followed me. I reclined on the bed, shrugging off my jacket. I looked for my mobile; I still intended to phone Emily. I scanned the bed, no sign. It was on my bedside table, I grabbed it, but looking up, a small squeak escaped me. I was so shocked, I couldn't even scream. On the mirror, scrawled in my best lipstick was a list.

_Karen_

_Mum and Dad_

_Cook_

_Tony_

It seemed that Effy had some things she needed to do after all. I had work tomorrow but there was no way I was getting to sleep tonight. I considered rubbing off the message, pretending I hadn't seen, but I knew she'd just find another way to tell me. Effy was persistent when she was alive, and that would have only increased now that she was a ghost intent on haunting me until I did whatever. I had no idea what she wanted though, revenge, peace of mind. I wasn't an expert in any of this. I'd never even watched a full episode of _Most Haunted _because I always got the giggles whenever Derek Acorah came on screen. Now I had to try and communicate with Effy, a hard enough task when she was alive and kicking.

"What do you want me to do?" I called into the empty room. Nothing, not a glimmer or a whisper. I was getting frustrated, it had been a long day even before all of this and I was tired. "Stop fucking about Ef' I know you're here. You bloody defaced my mirror, that lipstick was expensive, not that you'd know, have you even heard of chapstick never mind fucking MAC!" I was aware I was ranting but I didn't care.

"Sorry Katie, do I look like Microwaved shit?" I laughed then, because really, a ghost taunting me was just too ridiculous for words. Obviously I'd totally lost it. She was just so Effy though, if I didn't know better I'd think she was really here.

"Actually, for a ghost, you don't look bad. You are really dead aren't you? You're not just like, secretly being kept in a coma somewhere, trying to wake up." If a spirit could ever look offended then she did. "Sorry." It didn't occur to me that her death might be a touchy subject.

She laughed then, actually laughed at me. "You went to my funeral, I'm definitely dead."

I was unperturbed. "Maybe you faked your death and now it's safe, you're back to fuck with my head."

You've seen too many films Katie. Sorry to disappoint, but I'm 100% dead, and what's more, I need your help."

"Am I crazy?" I whispered.

Effy smirked. "Maybe, but if you are, that has nothing to do with this." It sounded so straightforward spelled out like that. I was just Katie Fitch helping out a friend. Except this was far from an ordinary situation.

"Why me?" I lamented. I sounded like a sulky child, but can you blame me? Saddled with this. "We weren't even friends."

"That's why it has to be you. You're Katie fucking Fitch. You're fierce, not emotional or scared. You can do this for me. Most people would hide under the bedclothes." I had a mental image of Panda then, scared of reading the Harry Potter Books, what would she do faced with a real ghost. Effy's family were too broken, they had enough problems. Who else did she have? I was her last hope.

"Alright, I'll help, but no vendettas okay? Its good deeds or nothing. I'm trying to be better these days, less of a bitch." Effy rolled her eyes. I ignored it. "So, Karen, what do you want me to do?" There was no point putting it off, we may as well get started, the sooner I got through the list, the sooner I could get back to my old life. Selfish but true. I never asked to be dragged into this. I held my breath and waited for my first instruction.

"There is something of Freddie's that I want her to have, it's important, it'll help her move on, I need you to find it." I sighed, because nothing is ever simple. It couldn't just be, have a chat, check in, and give her a cuddle. _Do I look like the Patron Saint of Lost things?_ How was I supposed to find something of Freddie's, the thought of going into his room, the shed, made me shiver. I tried not to let it show. Effy was counting on me, dead or not.

"You want me to break in or what?" I was already fretting about this. I didn't want to get stuck in a police cell, getting arrested would risk everything, my job, my future, such as it was.

"Relax Katie; I know where the spare key is." How could she be so rational about this? I suppose nothing much worried her now. Nothing could hurt her; I was the one putting it all on the line.

"Alright, fine, I'll go in the morning, call in sick, everyone will be out. First, enlighten me Ef' what exactly am I looking for?"

"You'll know it when you find it." _Great_, I thought. _Cryptic as ever. Always speaking in bloody riddles._

I tried again, wondering what the hell I'd gotten myself into. "Not to be picky or anything, but technically wouldn't this be classed as Freddie's unfinished business not yours?" I didn't think ghosts could still feel but at the mention of his name, Effy displayed something akin to grief. "Sorry." I mumbled again, wondering only briefly why I was bothering to apologise to a ghost that in a short space of time had turned my world upside down.

"I don't make the rules Katie." Effy replied sadly and that was that. Conversation over. Apparently I was really going to do this.

The next morning, I went as instructed to Freddie's house. It felt reassuring to have Effy with me, I hadn't been there since the night of his birthday party in the shed, and it felt weird to be back. So much had happened, and yet, his house, the shed, hadn't changed at all. It was like stepping back in time. "I'm not sure I should be here." I muttered. It felt wrong.

"Please Katie."

That was all it took to get me moving again. _I must really be crazy._ The key was where Effy had promised it would be. If she was hesitant about going inside, she didn't show it. I supposed the idea of trespassing had no meaning for her anymore. I hung back before her stare catapulted me over the threshold. Strangely I had held onto that need I always had to impress her, although it didn't matter anymore. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. "His ghost isn't here too is it? I'm not sure I could handle…one is more than enough."

"No. Freddie's gone." There was an infinite sadness in her tone and I regretted saying anything. _I should really learn to be more tactful. _Tact was never strength of mine; I dove in, both feet, irrespective of the consequences. That, after all was why she had chosen me, I wouldn't pussyfoot around, and I'd get things done.

Although I knew that we were headed for his bedroom, facing the reality of that was easier said than done. Even I balked at the prospect of hunting through a dead teenage boy's possessions. This wasn't going to be easy. Luckily Effy knew where to find what we came for. She pointed to the spot and the resemblance to the _Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come _made me pause. I shuddered before moving nearer. "There's nothing there." Effy said nothing. _Really helpful _I thought. I pondered for a moment, crouching for a closer look.

The gap in the floorboard winked up at me. I glanced at Effy for reassurance. She nodded. _Fuck, I'm going to have to prise it up._ The board yielded easier than I expected, maybe it was just the level of my determination increasing my strength. Regardless, I wasn't about to complain. It made sense that the thing Effy sent me to find was something Freddie loved. Nothing else would do in this situation. Holding the necklace in my hand I imagined I could feel the warmth of him still lingering, but it was just my own palm. _Freddie is gone. _The tears fell unbidden as it hit me where I was and what I was doing. It didn't seem right that two of the gang were dead; we were too young to be dealing with things like this. _We should be having fun, I should be... _I didn't finish the thought because what did it matter. Could and should were irrelevant.

"Okay, I've got it, so let's leave it for Karen and go, before she gets home." I put the floor back carefully, not that anyone would notice in the carefully preserved chaos of Freddie's room. It had been untouched, exactly as he left it, and I kept expecting him to walk through the door, his skateboard under his arm and a lit joint in his mouth. I didn't want to be here anymore.

"You did it, Katie." Effy grinned. She seemed happier than I'd ever seen her in life. It was unsettling somehow, and added to the dreamlike feel of an already unreal situation.

"One down, three to go." I muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the delay in an update, Christmas really messed with my writing time. I hope you like this, I'm aware that I kind of cheated by not totally resolving this in one chapter but that's just how it happened. I don't think that this chapter is as strong as the first, but I still like it, and I hope they are both still in line with their characters, I'm trying not to go madly AU for once which is a challenge for me…**

**Keffy is my OTP but this story is a friendship for now, because well, Effy is a ghost, and Katie is Katie, but I'm hoping for feelings and such to evolve as we move through the story. I would love to know your thoughts and feelings about this. **

I woke up with Effy looming over me, a spectacle I didn't think I would ever get used to. "Fuck off!" I growled. "I'm sleeping." I was grumpy; I'd been woken abruptly whilst having a very good dream. That was a novelty in its self, a luxury that I was extremely reluctant to relinquish. A few fading pieces of said dream still lurked behind my eyes. I could vaguely remember Louboutins and a lunch date with Victoria Beckham and I wanted desperately to retreat back into that world. It was no use though; I could still feel her there, the presence lingering. For a ghost she was pretty impatient. "Effy, I can't help you today, I've got work. Can't you go like, haunt the cemetery or something?"

"I don't have much time."

Just like that it was clear that I was expected to go AWOL on my perfectly good job yet again. I groaned. I'd been saving up my sick days for a trip to the spa and now it looked like Effy and her bloody errands were going to get me sacked. It wasn't that I was totally unsympathetic to her plight, I understood. It was just that when all this was done and she disappeared in a flash of light of whatever, I still had a life to lead and I would've preferred it to be left largely intact. If that makes me a bitch, so be it. I sighed.

"Alright fine, I'm on board, what are we doing this time." I grumbled, wiping my eyes. Effy nodded to the mirror. _Her parents, great. _I hadn't had many run-ins with them when she was alive, so I was totally in the dark as to what to expect now. I knew that whatever Effy wanted of me this time though, it was going to be trickier than retrieving a necklace from under the floor. I could read as much on her face. I had a sense that her unfinished business would only get more difficult as we moved through the list.

Effy faced me on the bed; her eyes burning into me with a force that made me want to turn away. "I need you to get them back together. My dad is a wanker and my mum is a mess, but together they just work. Everything started to go wrong the second that he left, he was the glue. I'm gone, Tony might as well be, and they need each other more than ever."

Again I was hit with the realisation that she had chosen the wrong girl. However, I could draw inspiration from the way that Emily had done a bit of matchmaking for our useless neighbours that time. _If only I could remember how she did it. _I bit my lip and thought hard. I wasn't cut out for this kind of stuff, what did I know about romance? I'd never even been in love. I flashed back to the time I asked Effy what it felt like, and remembered her less than enthusiastic response. "Why did you do it?" I breathed, almost scared to find out.

"I couldn't be without Freddie."She responded. They way she said it was almost offhand, casual, as though I'd asked what time it was. I scowled. That didn't seem like enough. It was a cop out. An answer by numbers, what she thought I wanted to hear. I knew that it wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. I opened my mouth to protest but Effy's eyes darkened, silencing me. I didn't want to find out what happened if you pissed off a ghost. "Katie, we are wasting time." I rolled my eyes to let her know that I was far from satisfied by that explanation. I wasn't dropping this, only shelving it, for now at least.

"So, where is your dad anyway?" That seemed like a good starting point. If I was reuniting them, I should find out how much distance I had to breach.

Effy thought for a moment, I wondered if she was searching through her memories. _What do they look like, what does the inside of the head of the enigma that is Effy Stonem look like?_ I decided not to dwell too heavily on that, I may not enjoy the visual. "Slough, I believe." She replied finally.

"Slough!" It wasn't the worse place that she could have said. Realistically it was less than a 2 hour drive, but that didn't mean I was looking forward to the prospect of visiting an area that was largely considered to be a shithole. Effy just nodded. "How the hell am I supposed to do this? I can't just drive there and drag him back, why would he listen to me; I've never even met the bloke."

"I never said that this was going to be easy." Effy replied.

"You're a great help Ef' really. You should win some great ghost award." I sneered. It was down to me this time then. I thought hard, we needed a way to get her dad back to Bristol. It needed to be something convincing, something more believable than,_ "you have won the Nigerian lottery, please come to Bristol and claim your prize."_ which is where my mind first wandered. Getting Mr Stonem to Bristol was a good idea, especially if it meant me not having to drive to Slough, but that wouldn't cut it. It was illogical. A better idea struck me soon after luckily and I prayed it would work. "Where does your dad work?" I asked, trying not to get my hopes up too soon.

"He works for _BancTec_." Effy replied with a shrug, waiting to see where I was going with this.

I googled the name and found that I had no idea what the hell the company did. I tried to wade through the jargon but it all went over my head. I had a feeling that even if I'd paid more attention in school I still wouldn't have much of a clue. _Maybe this could work to our advantage._ From what I could gather it involved something to do with financial software, beyond that, I'd have to wing it. Further use of my laptop revealed a multitude of business seminars available in Bristol, now I just had to pick the right one. I found a conference that seemed vaguely suitable and began draft a letter. My fingers flew over the keys and I smiled at my own deviousness. I had no idea I was capable of this kind of thing and I wasn't sure whether I was happy about this new found discovery I had made about myself. I eventually settled on the notion that it was mildly impressive.

"By the time he realises that he isn't actually enrolled, he'll already be in the city." I remarked, looking to Effy for some form of positive recognition. I wasn't stupid enough to expect outright admiration, but I had hoped for a pat on the back at least. She was stonewalling me, blocking me out. _I shouldn't have mentioned Freddie. _I turned back to the keyboard, frowning slightly at her gloomy expression. As it turns out, she was right to be less than encouraging, even before the ink was dry on the letter; it struck me how far the odds were stacked against us on this mission.

I sighed, reading her Effy's mind. Getting her parents in the same city again was only stage one. I remember Freddie hinting at me once that Effy's parents' arguments were legendary. _This was no Rom-com, this was real life._ All the same I tried to stay upbeat. Somebody had to. Although I wasn't naïve enough to think that the two of them being in the same room would be enough, this wasn't my parents we were dealing with. Nevertheless, maybe if they could start talking that might help. I was getting a headache. _I wish Emily was here. Jesus I'd even take Campbell. _I couldn't involve them without looking crazy. I'd be no help to Effy if I got sectioned.

I decided to get her input; she'd been annoyingly quiet even for her. "Any ideas?" I muttered, after all, this was her family, she knew them better than me. I needed some famous Effy insight. I needed the girl that solved her friend's problems, the one who tried to fix her brother's relationship, not the jaded Effy that I knew. Finding out if that girl still existed somewhere; buried deep inside my friend was our only hope.

My frustration bubbled over and I slammed the laptop shut. I surveyed the girl with the fiercest most HBIC stare I could manage, but it didn't quite ring true to my new persona. I was far from Katie Fucking Fitch these days, but I had to dig deep and discover some of that girl's fire. _The old Effy and the old Katie, a blast from the past, oh what a pair we'd make. _"I need your help Effy, I'm drawing a blank here, short of locking both your parents in a room until they have an epiphany, I'm clueless!"

Effy shook her head but said nothing, quietly brooding. I was unsettled. Everything about this felt wrong. The more I thought about it, the less I could see this plot working. It occurred to me then that maybe Effy had it wide of the mark, maybe she didn't know everything. Surely, even ghosts can misinterpret things. Perhaps we weren't supposed to force her parents back together or try and superglue over the cracks in their relationship. I had a sort of revelation of my own then. I was drawing on my own limited relationship experience and I couldn't shake the notion that we were looking at this all from the incorrect angle. My prevailing memory that continually pushed its way back into the forefront of my mid was one of almost crushing relief when I finally ditched that loser Danny.

"You want your parents to be happy, don't you?" I took Effy's eye roll as a yes. "Well have you considered that your job is to get them to make their peace with what's happened? Maybe what we are supposed to do is get them to say goodbye properly, once and for all." She considered this for a long time and I was positive that she was going to shoot me down. Finally she turned to me, but instead of a scowl, she wore a timid smile.

"Katie Fitch, you are a genius." I beamed in the warm glow of her praise. _It's possible that she did pick the right person for the job after all. _ The tension that had been flooding my body gradually began to dissipate. Now that I knew I didn't have to lay the ground work to reunite a warring couple or that I was no longer expected to field their battles, it seemed that it was remarkably simple. My plan to get Mr Stonem to Bristol seemed sound, so all that remained was to guide Effy's mum to the same place. Somehow, then I needed to get them talking civilly to one another for as long as it took to lay their respective grievances to rest.

Later, I realised the extent I had underestimated this challenge. Effy had seen fit to 'delight' me with tales of her parent's break-up. So, as she said, I was fully prepared. The saying _ignorance is bliss_ had never seemed more apt. "This is going to be far from easy isn't it?" I lamented as I pondered the actualities of the new task laid out for me. Although simpler than the uphill battle I had averted, there was still the unpredictability of Effy's parents' tempers to contend with. She just smirked at me, and that was answer enough. I could swear that she was enjoying tormenting me. _Some things never change._

"Can't we just do this by letter?" I grumbled. I know that I was taking the easy way out, but in light of what Effy had told me, I wasn't relishing the prospect of a face-to face showdown of the Stonems, especially when I had to be an observer.I expected her to tell me to stop whinging or remind me again of the gravity of the situation, but no rebukes happened. I thought that maybe she had gone, slipped away at some point during my quiet contemplations, but there she remained, unmoving by the window, staring out. "Ef', did you hear what I-"

She cut me off. "I heard you Katie, I was thinking, that's all." Her lips curved into that tentative smile again and she seemed to be getting more comfortable with the unfamiliar expression. "You know, that might not be such a bad idea. We can write one from each of them and send them off, they will be none the wiser and by the time they meet, there's a chance that they'll be more receptive to the idea of forgiving each other."

So that is what we did. Effy slipped effortlessly into the persona of each parent and as I read the letter back I was utterly convinced. The handwriting, especially when signing off proved to be the only stumbling block but I just had to hope that neither of them would dwell too heavily on that after reading the contents. There was nothing else I could do. I crossed my fingers for luck as we strode off to the post box. _This has to work. Failure isn't an option. _All was left for us then was to play the waiting game, bide our time and plan our next move. In the mean time, there were two more names on that list.

We had a moderately long walk back home ahead of us, so I figured that would be the perfect time to get a jump start on whatever scheme came next. "So," I whispered, keeping my voice low, conscious that my companion was invisible to everyone else on the street, "tell me about everything that's unfinished between you and James Cook."


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the next chapter. I hope you enjoy this update. Please review as ever, it's your feedback that keeps me going. Apologies for any errors, I'm tired and eager to post this so some may have slipped through.**

Effy told me that aside from Foster and what happened to Freddie as a result, the way she treated Cook was her biggest regret. The way her voice sounded made it clear to me that it was true; I had never heard so much emotion infused into her flat tone before. I was both surprised and moved. I had no idea she cared for the boy so deeply_. She had treated him like a plaything and she was sorry. _I guess that's why the plan that came next was so unanticipated. In line with what she had said I expected some grand gesture. Some form of atonement if you like.

"So what, I'm just going to visit him, no jailbreak!" I tried to keep the disappointment out of my statement. I knew I should have been glad it wasn't some daring escape and that I'd finally been given something easy to do. If I'm being honest I wish that all unfinished business could be that simple. However, I had begun to picture Wentworth Miller in a jumpsuit complete with elements of danger, conspiracy and hard as nails guards, and I was quite taken with the idea by the time she had me write off for a visitors pass. I wasn't stupid, I knew that the reality was going to be nothing like that, but I allowed myself to get lost in the fantasy as we waited. There was a lot of waiting for us in those days. I wondered if ghosts felt boredom because I definitely did, but no matter how fed up I was I never dared to actually ask Effy, she would think my questions trivial, she was only focused on what was left to do.

"It's a big deal Katie." I knew what she meant. It was important. It would mean a lot to Cook to have a visitor. I imagined he would have had very few, if any at all. _Try not to take this too lightly _her eyes added silently.

"What if he doesn't want to see me?" It was a real possibility. We were never friends and as he severed his ties with Effy and Freddie, Cook was left as an outsider on the fringes of our fragmented group. I never felt like I actually belonged, aside from Thomas, they all seemed as though they were more Emily's friends than mine but at least I had some attachments to them all. I wasn't cast adrift like he had been, was I? I thought about this a lot. It was a subject that had weighed on my mind long before Effy's ghost came visiting, but now that she was here, providing my previous life with a stark contrast, I couldn't hide from it. I was an island in spite of my twindom, alone. Gobbler's end had been the catalyst but really it had begun long before then. I kept myself detached. _Maybe that's something we have in common._ He must be lonely and before Effy appeared I certainly was.

It was getting harder to visualise a time without her at my side bugging me. I had grown used to it, even during her sullen silences when she didn't get her way. It occurred to me that ghost Effy was one of my only real friends in Bristol. _Am I really that pathetic? _Of course there were the girls at work but all this unfinished business was largely keeping me isolated from them. I did get some normality back into my routine during this waiting period seeing as there was little else to do and we couldn't move on, but I felt disconnected from their lives and the things I used to care about didn't seem so important these days. I couldn't focus on their endless chatter about _Towie_ or _Desperate Scousewives_ as much as I would have previously relished it. _What's changed? Me. _I remembered that conversation clearly, it came to me often since both Effy's death and reappearance. If had changed then, what did it make me now? I was unrecognisable.

As a direct consequence of these feelings I spent my days mostly with Effy, no longer self-conscious about appearing alone and muttering in public. I counted down the days until the arranged meeting with Effy's parents, anxious as the date drew closer. I was glad now that we hadn't organised it any sooner. As much as I had bitched at Effy, she was right that we needed time to prepare. I was scared for what would happen if this all went tits up. _How would the girl cope?_ She needed this done. I was also, somewhat selfishly, concerned for me. I knew Effy would want me there when it took place, overseeing everything but I was nervous that I would be spotted. What Effy's mom remembered me from the hospital or worse, the funeral? How would I explain the less than convincing coincidence? I tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind.

When we weren't agonising over her parents, we killed time by watching Karen, it cheered me to see that she wore the necklace every day and that each time we watched her I noticed her eyes were a little less red and puffy. I had done something good. Occasionally she saw me and waved, but the majority of the time I kept my distance, staying out of sight. I didn't want to have to strike up a conversation with her. It would be awkward and I'd have no idea what to say. It was better this way.

Sometimes me and Effy just went to Brandon Hill and reminisced. Those were my favourite times but they were a rare privilege. Effy was too singularly minded to indulge me for long. Besides, it was hard for these remembrances not to turn depressing, mentions of Freddie or indeed aspects of Effy's own past were enough to turn her mood sombre or sometimes angry. The anger scared me the most, that aspect of her personality was something I had never witnessed when she was alive. I fought to deflect it but as the days passed her moods were more inconsistent and more often than not I figured it was safer not to mention old times at all. Instead I concentrated on the future, the next name on the list. _James Cook._

The day finally arrived for the visit and all my previous excitement had long faded. I had a lump in my throat at the prospect of seeing Cook again. What could I offer him? I wasn't going to be able to help. I had predicted that I would be faced with the broken shadow of a boy that I used to know, so I was taken aback by what I actually witnessed.

"Katiekins!" He yelled with typical exuberance. I was glad that I had left Effy outside, banned her from coming with me, the brashness assailed my senses, disorientating me as it clashed with the dreary grey surroundings. This wasn't going to be a day at the beach. I wondered if Cook's bravado ever ran out and what he did in that instance. _Did he cry or scream or punch the walls? How could I ever know?_ He distracted me from further thoughts, calling out to me again loudly as I approached. "Princess! How're you doing? Fancied a catch up with the Cookie Monster eh? Not that I blame you." His eyes travelled to my cleavage, a wide grin gracing his features. "Still dressing to impress I see." The thing was that I wasn't, not anymore. I'd banished the leopard print from my wardrobe and dressed what could almost pass as conservatively in my current circles. In short, I had grown up.

I barely remembered that a flash of the old Katie had encouraged me to choose that top for reasons that I didn't fully grasp. "_Cheer the boy up, your tits will look mint in that top."_ old Katie had said. That morning in front of the mirror seemed like ages ago and I felt slightly ridiculous standing in front of him now. I cleared my throat taking a seat in front of the screen. "So…um…sorry I haven't been to visit sooner." I stammered, feeling woefully inadequate.

"That's alright sweetheart; you're here now, yeah? So how are things on the outside, Bristol still as shitty as ever?" I smiled and gave an exaggerated shrug that implied same old same old. That was a lie but I couldn't exactly tell him that the city was haunted by the ghost of his dead ex-girlfriend could I? That would really kill the mood. I looked at him and searched his face, not sure what I would really find there underneath his audacity and if I would like what I saw. Sadness seemed to radiate from him despite the cheeriness of his general demeanour. I recognised it only because it was stamped on all of us, and him more than most.

I looked away and my eyes trailed down to his hands clasped on the table. I gasped as I noticed that his infamous **Cook** tattoo had been joined by an **Effy **on his other hand. It looked like he had done it himself or maybe his cellmate had, but that didn't matter, I wasn't shocked by the act, more the reality of seeing her name there in black and white on his skin. It reminded me that it wasn't just me that she was still connected to. My association with her was tenuous anyway, temporary, simply a means to an end. His was more meaningful. I couldn't decide if I envied him that or not.

"Do you miss her?" Cook asked realising where my eyes had wandered.

"It's complicated." I admitted.

"I know what you mean, it's hard to believe they are both gone." He took a deep breath and stared at me. "I wake up and just for a second I forget, you know? I turn to her picture and that instant it doesn't seem real, the fact that the shred of paper on the wall is the last image I will ever see of her."

"Maybe she isn't gone, not yet, perhaps…" I trailed off because really there was no point trying to finish that sentence. I was just trying to give him some measure of comfort. _This is a bad idea._ "I just, I'm trying to tell you that Effy she-" He cut me off with a look. Cook surveyed me sceptically and I felt like a fraud. How would I have continued?_ She's here or she loves you, she's sorry, or she wants us to be friends?_ It all sounded stupid. I wasn't in the safety of my bedroom anymore with a girl that only I could see. I shut my mouth, no longer eager to pursue this line of conversation.

"Do you mean like they will always be with us, looking down on us or something? Katie, there is enough religion bullshit in here, I don't believe in God or heaven. Freds and Effy are dead, that's the end of it. We have to face that, they left us behind, that's it kid."

"I'm sorry." What else was there to say? This was all going wrong. Clearly Effy's hopes that I would befriend this boy could be dashed, would be if I kept putting my foot in it. That worried me. What would happen then, would she be stranded? Was it possible that the girl would be doomed to walk the streets of Bristol as a listless spirit forever? I didn't want to think like that. I set my jaw. I hadn't failed a task that Effy had set me yet and I wasn't about to start now. _Fitches aren't quitters_. "I came here because I thought you might need someone. All the old gang have gone, one way or another, we are the only ones left so I thought…" Why was it so hard to talk to him? I don't think I had ever been so tongue-tied. The reason occurred to me as I waited for his acceptance. He had Effy's knack of seeing through my bullshit. They were more alike that I had realised and I could see the striking parallels now.

"We're the last ones standing." He retorted, his tone tinged with a mixture of sadness and hushed pride. I felt it too, it resonated between us, the knowledge that we alone had stayed to face whatever came next. We hadn't fled. _We're the strong ones. _He smiled at me and I was overwhelmed with a sense of validation. Like Effy he was enigmatic and people wanted to be liked by him. He was a powerful force that could sweep you away, but if you belonged with him he would clasp you tightly until the end with all the power he had. _Eminem was on to something, I think that Cook and Effy together would have been as close as you could get to what it felt like when a tornado genuinely met a volcano_. My mind boggled for the possibilities that could have been, countless chances thrown away. It wasn't my sadness to experience, but I sensed it wholeheartedly nonetheless.

"So, maybe I could come again?" I asked. It wasn't just for Effy that I did so. I was sick of having to gloss over the tragedies that had blighted us and make light and breezy conversation with my colleagues or new people that I met. I didn't have Emily, my parents were clueless, and James Cook was the only one left who understood.

"We can wallow together." He joked. It was a tempting thought but I remembered that my goal was to lift him out of the mud, not sink him deeper.

I grinned. "No wallowing, I will only allow mild expressions of grief if they are followed by wicked debauchery. We have reputations to maintain."

He winked. "Touche, or Touché as Naomikins would say. I guess I can call you my guardian angel then babe." I got up to go, happy with my lasting impression. "Oh and Katie, bring the outfit next time, yeah, I know you've still got it."

I was glad he couldn't see the faint blush that marred my cheeks as I walked away. _Cheeky git _I thought, but I was already beginning to think of him fondly. _It's a start._ I couldn't wait to tell Effy of the exchange. I knew that she would be pleased. I had gone in there meaning only to while away the short time, in the vain hope that my presence would enliven Cook, but I had come away feeling happier and more like myself than I had for a long time. It was entirely possible that not only was the old Katie nearer the surface than I was aware, but that she legitimately was happy for the opportunity to come out and play nice.

"How did it go then?" I found her loitering in the exact same spot as I had left her and wondered not for the first time what found to do with herself when I wasn't around. That was a question for another day.

I smiled as I approached. "It was good." I responded simply. She studied me for a moment, a million questions lurking in her eyes. I said nothing more, lost in my own thoughts. _Maybe Effy really is onto something with this one. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the slight delay. I hope you like this update. It is kind of a filler chapter. I wanted to finally tie up so loose ends and move the plot along. I couldn't resist adding some hints of Keffy flirting though; it just had to be done. Let me know what you think and most of all enjoy the read.**

"Be there for him Katie. He needs to see that there are actually people out there worth trusting." I could see what she wasn't saying, the truth behind those words. "_I made him feel worthless, you need to limit the damage that I did to him long term."_ In short, I had to clear up Effy's mess. It wasn't just her though, he had been let down by all the major players in his life, including his parents. I had some big boots to fill if I was supposed to alter his perceptions on humanity singlehandedly. If I was honest though, I didn't mind too much.

Not that I would ever admit it, but seeing Cook was becoming the best part of my day. It wasn't only his face that lit up whenever I walked into that dingy visiting room, I was just as happy to see him, truthfully maybe even more so. I'd like to pretend that it was as a result of spending all my spare time with Effy, a girl who conversed simply in monosyllables, but I'd be lying. James Cook himself was the draw for me. I know that I would have continued to visit even if Effy had called a halt on her unfinished business. I was slightly ashamed that I'd been so quick to judge and dismiss him at college. He didn't hold it against me, but I did. Aside from his wicked sense of humour, which I'd always been aware of, he was also genuinely sweet.

I could tell that I'd forged the beginnings real friendship with him, visiting him every day for the past week. It may not seem like much time, but with him in prison, everything was heightened and we had already been somewhat bonded by our shared experiences. It wasn't like a speed date where I had to start from scratch and try and decipher his likes and dislikes, the background knowledge was already there. Nevertheless, that's not to say it had all been plain sailing. I could feel the pressure building behind my eyes. Effy may not have been in the actual room with me but I could feel her eyes on me all the same. It felt like whatever I did, it wasn't good enough. She expected a one woman crusade or something. Most of all, it seemed to me that she was dissatisfied that he hadn't put the moves on me. I was appalled when she implied it. Maybe she knew something I didn't, but I couldn't ever visualise me and Cook embarking on some epic love affair. I didn't think of him like that, and even if my feelings ever changed, I doubted that Cook's would. He was still ridiculously hung up on Effy and it was possible that he would always be pining for the one that got away. It was her guilt that was forcing her to try and push us together, and I couldn't really blame her for that, but Katie Fitch was nobody's rebound girl.

I was lamenting all of this to her after my latest visit like always, typically though she wasn't letting up and I was becoming angry and frustrated. I couldn't help but think that if she was waiting around for me to become Mrs James Cook that she would never finish the business that was keeping her here. I didn't know how I felt about that prospect, I didn't want to lose her, but similarly I didn't know how long I could handle her staying. She made me crazy. "I don't know what you expect me to do. All we do is talk and it's all we can do. I can't even touch him. He might as well be a ghost too."

She smiled at me, in that familiar mocking way. "Are you implying that you're frustrated because you can't touch me, Katie?" All the blood rushed to my face and my cheeks burned.

"Fuck off. I just meant that in the world according to Effy smartypants Stonem, you are so certain that I should like seduce him or whatever since he won't make a move, but I can't do that without touching him, can I? Christ, even friends hug. " She stared at me as I tried to hide my enormous blush, utterly unconvinced. "Trust me, if I had my way I wouldn't touch you or James Cook with a barge pole."

She walked right up into my personal space with an annoyingly smug look on her face. "Well, you don't have to worry about catching anything from me, as and for Cook, I simply want you to be a source of comfort for him. I never said that you had to fuck him. Helping him move on, doesn't necessarily equate to sex, but I can understand how that might be confusing for you."_BITCH!_ She always tied me in knots, I could never win.

"Oi! I'm not a slag!" I threw a pillow at her as a reflex. I forgot that it would do no damage to her, that she wouldn't even feel it. Remembering that the girl who had become my best friend was a ghost was becoming harder with each day that we spent together. Notwithstanding the lack of contact that it would make, I did still feel a vague sense of justice when the pillow struck her forcefully, landing square in the face. Effy stepped back and shuddered. "Wait, did you feel that?" I felt stupid for asking, but I had witnessed some sort of reaction. _What was that?_ My mind was frantically trying to keep up.

"No, not exactly. It's hard to explain, it didn't feel the actual object, more the force of its movement, like a breeze." I took a moment to process this. I had always assumed that Effy couldn't feel anything anymore. I accepted it, it wasn't like she was in touch with her emotions when she was alive in any case. It all seemed logical given what I'd seen in the movies or on TV. Granted, my pool of research was limited, but from what I knew about ghosts, they couldn't touch or be touched. Basically they were just there, existing like a flickering picture, waiting for somebody to notice.

With Effy, it seemed like I would have to reassess this notion. She was challenging everything I thought I knew, albeit that wasn't much, as I've said before; Ghosts aren't a specialist subject of mine and hopefully never would be. I wasn't about to try and gatecrash a séance, win _Mastermind_ or impress people at dinner parties with any of this stuff. I thought for a moment. _What if? It can't hurt…_ I swallowed down my pride and asked the vaguely ridiculous question I'd been musing over. "What if you touched me, would I feel anything?" I was more thinking aloud, I wasn't keen to experiment and test the theory either way. Some things were best left alone.

"There you go again with wanting to touch me, something you want to tell me Katie? I always wondered how alike Emily you were."

I scowled. "Shut up. I'm just curious." Effy raised her eyebrows at me and I tried not to blush again. For some reason, everything that came out of my mouth sounded like innuendo. No matter what, I dug myself deeper and the other girl loved seeing my discomfort. I sighed. _Fuck it._ _You only live once right? Here it goes…_

I reached over and placed my hand on her arm, running my fingers over her skin as though I was playing a childhood game of _itsy bitsy spider_. At once I felt it. My fingers began to tingle and felt as though they were pulled in by a powerful vacuum that spewed out freezing cold air as it sucked. My heart began to race and I dragged my hand away.

I ran my other, untouched hand over it, expecting it to still retain the coldness, but it didn't. My right and left hands felt identical. "Weird." Effy looked at me blankly. "Do you mean to tell me that you didn't feel anything that time either?" She shook her head. I couldn't believe it, she may not have, but I did. My heart rate still hadn't returned to normal. I made up my mind then that I was determined to make her experience something, even if I had to collide with her and almost knock myself out in the process.

I didn't have any time to think about it anymore because we had loose ends to tie up. It was finally the time for the Stonem's to get together and my nervousness about the meeting was overtaking everything else. I went over to the mirror and crossed Effy's parents off the list before we left. I figured that one way or another, this would be over with today. Whatever the outcome, there was nothing else we could do. "Are you ready?" Effy followed me out without a word. I wanted to grip her hand as we walked, offer her some measure of comfort, but I realised as I leant to intertwine her fingers in mine that it was pointless. _Duh, she won't feel it._ I withdrew my hand. "It'll be okay." I whispered as a substitute. I have no idea if Effy was in any way consoled, but hearing my own words, I relaxed a little.

I positioned myself inconspicuously at the café, my seating already planned so that I could oversee everything while maintaining a comfortable pocket of distance. I was anxious that they might recognise me if I sat too close so I sacrificed being in earshot in order to gain some anonymity. Spying wasn't a problem because Effy could sit as close as she liked. All I cared about was that everything went well and that was something I would be able to detect from wherever I sat. By that I mean, no amount of space would prevent me from hearing if a full-scale argument broke out. I got up and ordered a cappuccino before taking a seat at my vantage point. Thankfully I managed to refrain from asking Effy if she wanted anything. _A ghost that drinks coffee, yeah, right._ I could kick myself.

We played the waiting game for a while. Finally the little bell signalled that somebody was coming in. My nerves were frayed by all the false alarms previously, the stampede of so many strangers looking for a caffeine fix, desensitising me to the sound. I almost didn't pay attention when I heard it again. However, my friend's face gave me the clue I needed. It was Jim who had entered. I watched discretely as he ordered at the counter and took a seat. He took out a newspaper but didn't read it; he just stared vacantly at the headline. I stared as he didn't turn a single page and I could feel the uneasiness radiating from him. _Calm down, don't blow this, please!_ I wanted to scream but that would be hypocritical given my own state of mind. After all, I had been twisting the same strand of hair around my finger for the last 20 minutes. Anthea came in a few minutes later, looking around before her eyes rested on her ex-husband's hunched figure.

I held my breath. She hesitated, and I thought we were done for, but in that same instance Effy's dad lifted his gaze and their eyes met. She strolled over and sat down and I exhaled loudly, letting go of the shaky breath I had been harbouring. _Now we are getting somewhere. _I wasn't sure if that was the hard part over or if it was just beginning. Effy slid over to the table witnessed only by me. I felt strangely protective of her as she left my side. She looked so young and fragile. Delicate was the perfect word to describe her. My eyes followed. There was nothing else I could do.

The steady hum of chatter in the café meant that I was effectively watching a silent movie. I could see gestures and expressions, and sometimes even catch the odd piece of conversation, but not enough to make sense of anything specific. I turned on my iPod. _This scene might as well have a soundtrack, _I thought. I had lost all track of time when Effy returned. I could tell by the number of tracks into my playlist that I was, that it had been a while, long enough that I had felt obliged to order another coffee from the bemused waitress at any rate. I'd looked at her in a way that I hoped she read as "_I promise I'm not using this place as a doss house."_ But who knew? Effy sat down next to me and her demeanour gave away nothing.

"How did it go?" I asked, keeping my voice low as a force of habit. I couldn't wait, I had to know.

"According to plan." That was all she said, but the smile of her face told me more than the words ever could. I barely heard them; I was focused solely on the happiness I had glimpsed. My own lips arched into a wide smile. _We did it!_ I felt unstoppable.


	5. Chapter 5

**Whilst I haven't fallen out of love for this story, my enthusiasm has slightly waned. I hope that this chapter doesn't suck too much because of that. It's mainly filler, with an undercurrent of Keffy feelings. I'm also setting up the whole Katie/Cook relationship as well, because the next chapter will be centred on that. I hope you enjoy the update. Let me know either way, reviews are love!**

I refused to acknowledge that my increased agitation had anything to do with what happened between me and Effy. _It had to be coincidence that I couldn't sleep and was therefore grouchy and shorter tempered than usual, didn't it?_ I put it down to restlessness; it had been a while since we crossed her parents of the list. I was eager for a positive resolution on behalf of my ghostly friend, that was all. That is what I told myself. I'd just grown addicted to the excitement of the tasks that she set for me, I enjoyed the secrets and the sleuthing and the good feelings that filled my guts with warm after a job well done. Nothing more, _I, Katie Fitch, just wanted to help._ Not that I was keen for her to go, far from it. In fact the opposite was true. I agonised over how much my life would change when she left.

Honestly, being friends with Effy was all I'd ever really wanted since the first day of college and now I had that and selfishly, I wanted to keep it. I'd gotten her full-attention in the way I had always subconsciously craved and without resorting to the petty rivalries and game playing I had attempted to engineer at Roundview. It was hard to explain, even to myself, but knowing that the girl needed me in a way that nobody else ever had, not even Emily, made me feel as though I could finally bury all the negative things that I had been holding on to, made it seem like something good could spring from the ashes of all that misfortune. With Effy around, the loneliness I had grown so used to carrying was gone. I had no room for it in my life and that was how I wanted things to say. I hadn't felt this optimistic since the days before College and even then, it wasn't an entirely genuine emotion. So, really, when you look at it like that, was it any wonder that my eyes searched for her upon waking or that I smiled each time I caught that first glimpse of her. These things we were doing, they gave me a reason to carry on, aside from just existing day to day as I had been. I felt happiness and pride and accomplishment, and Effy was the cause of all that. It was only natural that I wanted to give something back to her, something special, aside from the unfinished business, something solely for her.

That was why I had become so fixated on the idea of touch of late. I thought that if I could just get her to feel something, it might help to unlock her. There was so much lurking just behind her hooded eyes and if I could just get her to express some of it, even just a fraction maybe that would help her. I figured that it couldn't be healthy to bottle things up, even for ghosts. I knew she must have painful stories to tell, she still hadn't shared why she had killed herself, not really. I didn't believe that it was only about Freddie's death. Of course that was a large part of it, and her guilt over Cook was obviously a contributing factor too, but there was also more. Effy Stonem, crazy or not, never did anything for just one reason. It was tied up in her family that much was clear. I wish that we'd have been closer in life so I could have hung out at her house and witnessed the Stonem dynamic first hand. All I had to go on was what I'd seen for myself. I saw how she looked when faced with her parents and the way she stared at Tony's name on the mirror whenever my back was turned. Whatever her reasons, I wanted to hear them, for both our sakes.

Unearthing the soft centre from the confines of Effy's hard outer shell became like an obsession. I hadn't devoted so much time to a single endeavour since I dedicated all my energies to securing a ticket for London Fashion Week. I had succeeded then, and those tickets are like gold dust, so I would succeed now. _Fitches aren't quitters_. I told myself to repeat those words whenever I began to waver. In pursuit of guidance, I diligently waded through every movie or TV show I could find about ghost and the paranormal, even sitting down to hours of bogus documentaries. When I wasn't doing that, I scoured the internet reading numerous blogs and websites and I'll even admit that I might have anonymously messaged or emailed a couple of the more credible looking ones.

Despite all this, I only seemed to end up becoming more and more frustrated. None of these so called experiences remotely resembled mine. The ghosts were described were usually little more than a lingering coldness in the air or an insubstantial misty shape. As I continued reading I discovered that not all apparitions were non-threatening. If these people were to be believed, some ghosts were psychotic evil forces hell bent on revenge. _Thank god I never pissed Effy off that badly; a rock would seem like nothing in comparison to the supposed antics some of these ghouls, _I thought to myself. The malevolent spirits seemed to hold the most power, they were the ones that could touch, but were only capable of inflicting pain._ That's the opposite of what I want._ I still wasn't sure what exactly I did want, other than the vague notion of helping Effy, I had no idea what any of this would achieve. Nevertheless I denied that it was a waste of time. I clung to my hope without digging to deeply into what it really meant that I had become so invested.

Telling myself that I was just being a good friend didn't sound quite so believable at 3am when I couldn't sleep for all the thoughts cluttering up my head. It was a flimsy excuse, but it was all I had. _Effy is…._ I didn't allow myself to finish that thought. The girl was standing in front of me again and I was scared that if I opened my mouth, my messed up mind would betray me. I hadn't expected Effy to re-appear. I was watching _American Horror Story. _It had started as research, and although I had discounted it as unhelpful, I was gripped by the storylines enough to keep watching. I hadn't seen the girl in a while; she had been giving me some time to take a break after the success with her parents. I know that Effy expected me to spend this reprieve winning over Cook and she had trusted me by leaving me to it, so I didn't share any of my ideas with her. She was in the dark about how I had spent large chunks of my time, which was better. I didn't think she would approve. She was closed off when she was alive and that hadn't changed with her circumstances. I couldn't imagine that she'd be impressed at my desire to probe for details of her darkest secrets. I said nothing as she slipped in beside me on the sofa looking distinctly unimpressed.

"What? It's good." I snapped defensively. Effy rolled her eyes. I blushed because at that moment the program chose to undermine my credibility by showing a slightly graphic sex scene between a person and a character that was clearly a ghost. Effy picked up on that instantly despite knowing nothing about the premise._ Fantastic, just what I need. She's going to have a field day with this._ She smirked at me, clearly delighted that she had chosen that moment to make her presence known.

"It's no wonder you like it." Effy scoffed. "It looks like they are definitely both feeling it." She had a point.As far as Effy was concerned, I might as well be watching ghost porn. I couldn't look her in the eye. Her earlier comments about me being like Emily and allusions to feelings I may have had, stung. It was bullshit of course, but I couldn't help but feel a stab of panic. I tried to mask my anxiety, and went with anger was the simplest method. My temper was never too far beneath the surface anyway, so this time when reared up willingly, I was grateful.

"Shut up." I retorted as I silenced the TV with the touch of a button. _I'll have to catch up later, alone._ That idea wasn't really helping my defence, but I didn't care. I was firmly in the frame of mind that if Effy could have secrets then so could I.

"Don't be jealous, Katie." She sounded almost gleeful. I stormed out. In that moment, I decided that it was a good thing that I was unable to touch Effy because if I could she would have been in a world of pain. She followed me into my bedroom and I glared at her. Her face was so irritating that I turned away and continued pretending to read a magazine, taking my anger out as I flipped the pages far too forcefully. Effy just laughed. _Bitch._

"I hate you." I muttered.

"No you don't."

She was finding this far too amusing for my liking and it had to stop. Otherwise I might just have to re-think my desire to keep her around. "Believe me, right now, I really do."

"You know what they say, there's a thin line between love and hate."

"Well whoever said that clearly didn't have to put up with you." I paused with a smirk of my own. "Seriously, did you come back wrong; has being a ghost impaired your mental function? I'm Katie remember, so all this flirting is just barking up the wrong Fitch, okay?"

"If you say so. Anyway, as fun as this is, I didn't come over for a social call."I tried not to be taken aback by her abruptness. _Nice to know that you've missed me too,_ the voice inside my brain chimed in bitterly. "I need you to step things up with Cook. Things aren't progressing fast enough. It shouldn't be a problem given that you are so adamant that you're Katie fucking Fitch the poster child for heterosexuality and male satisfaction."

I ignored the snarky dig entirely. "What do you mean, step it up?"

"Get him to fall in love with you." She replied as though it was the simplest thing in the world. As if I could manipulate the boy's emotions with a flutter of my eyelashes or a flick of my wrist. _I'm not you!_ I wanted to shout, _everybody doesn't just fall in love with me._ She didn't seem to grasp what a big deal this was, and that scared me slightly, especially since she had painted herself as the tragic protagonist in an epic love story.

"Oh, okay, while I'm at it, I'll just predict the winning lottery numbers." I turned to her. This wasn't a joke anymore. If she loved Freddie as much as she claimed, surely she would understand what she was asking. "I can't Ef', and even if I could, I won't. For once, I'm saying no. Don't ask this of me." I knew that her intentions were ultimately good, if skewed, but this was too much. It was wrong, like playing god or something.

She could see that I was resolute about this and her face fell. "I'm trying to help." She replied softly.

"I'm already helping him, we're friends, and it's enough."

"Not just him. Both of you." That angered me more than anything else she'd ever said. I latched out, hurting her the only way I could, with my words.

"I don't need it and I didn't ask for it. I'm not another name on your list Effy so don't treat me like I am. Do me that fucking courtesy at least." I was seething. All this rage poured out of me like bile and I just couldn't stop myself. "How dare you! You think that I'm so pathetic that I need some ghostly intervention. I don't need your pity."

"Katie, you don't understand, I didn't mean-" I didn't let her finish. I was on a role now and in no mood to bite my tongue. I didn't hold back.

"Do you have any idea how insulting that is? I offered to help you, that doesn't make me your puppet. I used guys and stepped over other girls to get what I wanted, I own up to that. I was no saint in the past, but I never manipulated people that mattered to me. I never will, not even for you. Cook is a good friend, the best I've got, and I'm not going to mess that up." I exhaled nosily, my whole body trembling from the surge of adrenaline. My next sentence was more subdued, but none the less emotional for that. My message reached Effy's ears loud and clear. "If in time our friendship turns into something more, it will be because we both want it too, not because you've got it into your head that it's your fucking duty to save us." I took another deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair, feeling slightly calmer.

"Katie, I'm sorry. I.." I looked away and when I turned back, fixing my stare on the space she had been occupying, she was already gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**The beginning of this chapter has been sat on my laptop for a while, unfinished, because I didn't know where to go with it. This is the result. I hope you like it, I'm not sure I do 100%. This story is frustrating me, I know where I want to go, but getting there is more difficult that I thought. I ran out of patience and nearly gave up so many times, hence the delay.**

**Katie and Cook is a difficult one for me, in the context of this story. Originally I was striving to keep them at a flirty friendship, because of all Katie's unresolved feelings for Effy and the fact that she needs a friend right now, but then this happened… I'm not really clear in my mind how their relationship will pan out in the end, so feel free to share your thoughts.**

**I purposely left this on a cliff-hanger because I am undecided as of now how Katie and Cook (and Effy) are going to react to the kiss. I have some thinking to do before the next update lol. Feedback as ever would be adored. **

I didn't mean to run to Cook, seeking a shoulder to cry on, in fact, I was adamant I would do the opposite and stay away. If only, above all else, to avoid pandering to Effy's ridiculous notions, but it was just that I had nowhere to turn. After all, our friendship was based on our mutual self-imposed exile. We had distanced ourselves from others but then panicked when it left us lonely. James Cook and I had seats in the same isolated boat. I knew that, and Effy did too.

Once I'd calmed down, I tried to see things more from her point of view, but dissecting our conversation always left me angry. I didn't want to be a pawn in a game, even if the rules had been set up for my benefit. _She's such a…._ I couldn't even finish my thought with a suitable insult; I was all in a spin. I wished that my sister was here for the umpteenth time since she had got in the car and fled to university. I longed to talk to her, but whenever I tried to call, the words died in my throat. What could I say?

_Hi Ems, How are you? Oh me? Well, I have unspecified and confusing feelings for a dead girl that I can't touch and she is trying to push me into a relationship with my incarcerated best friend, yeah that's right, Cook…So any advice?_

No such conversation was ever going to happen. I got up, threw some shoes on and slipped out of the house. After all, there was only so long I could spend cursing Effy Stonem's name to my blank and staring bedroom walls, I had to get out before I totally lost my grip on what little Sanity I had left.

Cook was there, of course, he hadn't gone anywhere. He was happy to see me until he clocked my miserable face. His own expression immediately darkened in response and I felt guilty for burdening him although I hadn't even spoken yet. "What's wrong?" I didn't even begin to know how to answer that question.

"Do you think you can ever choose how you love, control it, I mean?" I asked after a long pause. "I heard somebody say once that love is a decision, ours to act on or not, do you believe that?"

"No." He was resolute. "I'm living proof of that, if I could..." He didn't finish, he didn't need to. I wasn't sure if that was the answer I wanted, or needed to hear though. I frowned, my eyebrows knitting themselves together unhappily.

In response, Cook glanced down at the ink on his hand and I immediately cringed. _Could I be any more insensitive? _I touched his hand, placing my fingers over his so that Effy's name vanished and he could be just Cook. It was a temporary and childish solution. I wondered if it was possible for him to ever be just Cook again, the odds didn't look favourable and I decided that most likely he could not. I was however grateful at least that his good behaviour meant that the screen hand been banished. There was no artificial distance between us now. We could be almost like any other pair of friends meeting up. It was comforting.

I gently removed my hand and met his gaze. "Sorry." I muttered. "Foot in mouth disease, tell me to shut up if you want." I wished he would, talking was getting me nowhere at all.

He brushed off my remarks. "What's got you waxing philosophical? Thinking of trading in your current boy toy for a newer model?" He grinned. He both knew full well that I was not only single, but that I had been for a long time. Nevertheless, I dutifully played along. It was a welcome distraction. It was what the two of us did.

"Oh sure, he has gotten so tedious, it's all _Lamborghini_ ridesthis and _The Sugar Hut_ that. A girl cannot live off glamour alone." I simpered, flicking my hair with a giggle.

"Rough and ready, that's what you need." Cook replied with a lecherous grin, puffing out his chest proudly."I know just the place." He motioned around the dreary visitor's room and we both sniggered. He looked up at me then as though he failed to comprehend that he had done anything at all, but really it was obvious to us both that he had cheered me up, and more than that, he had given me somewhere to come and a friend to lean on who wasn't either miles away or too preoccupied with themselves to indulge me. Silence stretched out between us for a while, but it wasn't awkward. "So, no more bullshit, what's really bugging you fiercest Fitch?"

I sighed. _No more bullshit_. That was a joke, it was all I had. Lies were more believable than the truth right now. "Someone has got under my skin, somebody who shouldn't still be able to. I don't know what to do, it fucking hurts."

"Do I know this mystery person?" Cook replied with a raise eyebrow. I opened my mouth to reply. "Let me guess, it's complicated, right?" I nodded. "That's what you always say when you don't want to tell me something."

"Life would be so boring for you if I was an open book." I retorted grimly, hopeful that he wouldn't call me out from behind my walls. "So what do I do?" I sounded kind of pathetic and I hated myself for it. Worse, I was chewing on my thumbnail absently as I spoke and ultimately ended up destroying my immaculate French polish. I cursed; I thought I had outgrown that habit.

"You have to find a way to get them out of your system, a distraction, so to speak." I couldn't fault his logic. It made sense. For all his bravado, he was pretty smart. Sometimes I forgot that he could be sensible. Things were far too serious and sombre; I didn't want to be the girl that always off-loaded her problems. I shouldn't whine, not when Cook had things much worse than me.

I grinned cheekily wanting a refuge in fun once more. "Are you offering your services?" This mild flirtation was old ground for us, it didn't mean anything, and there was an odd consolation in that. Cook was simple, I didn't have to second guess him or be on my guard. So much so, that being around him felt like a holiday. Unfortunately, that meant it couldn't last, the minutes ticked away all too fast during the visits and the clock was always in the back of my mind.

He winked. "Always babes, I've got nothing but time."

"Just what do you propose?" I asked, leaning closer to him.

"What do you want?"

Just like that, the game was over. Reality had come back to bite me. I knew he had meant his question teasingly, but nonetheless, I recoiled. He had inadvertently touched a nerve. The truth was, I didn't know, or maybe I did and I was scared to face up to what it meant. Regardless, I was stuck, and I shrank in my seat, utterly deflated. _Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated?_ I thought how easy things could be if I let go and followed Effy's advice, Cook would be happy, Effy could move on and I, well I was sure I could learn to love the boy in front of me. _It's not like love is that great anyway, right? _Hadn't Effy told me a similar thing herself once, in another life, by the waterfront? _Nothing's ever perfect, _she'd said. Maybe she was right. In spite of everything, all her fuck ups, Effy always was the most perceptive person I'd ever known. Ems and I joked often that she was omniscient, like a god or something. It was no wonder everything got to dismantled without her.

Cook was speaking but I couldn't hear him, my inner voice was too loud, it was saying that there was only one way to know for sure. _Test the water Katie, _it urged, _just dip in your toe…_It seemed wrong to make Cook act as my guinea pig, but I could think of no other sure fire way to find out. One kiss and I would either see fireworks or not. My future, Cook's and maybe even Effy's, hinged on this. _No pressure, then. _I licked my lips self-consciously, my heart fighting against my ribcage. I couldn't remember the last time I had been this scared. This was huge; by doing this I was crossing a line, and for better or worse, our fledgling friendship might not be the same. _What option do I have? Grow a pair and stop stalling. _I took a deep breath and lunged across the table until my mouth collided with his, cutting off whatever advice he had been trying to give me mid-flow.

I felt him resist and saw his eyes widen in surprise. I braced myself for him to pull away and ask me what the hell I was doing, but he did the opposite. He kissed back. I silenced all my thoughts and the background chorus of wolf whistles by arching into him and thrusting my tongue into his mouth. I let my body take over, the natural impulses eager and willing. The synchronicity was effortless, engrained although it had clearly been a while for either of us. _It's just like riding a bike…_ the internal voice inside of me mocked. I was just beginning to relax into the kiss when everything stopped. I didn't break away as much as I was dragged, literally, off Cook.

A guard pulled us apart firmly and before I could even process what was happening I was being escorted out. I should have known that it would be frowned upon, common sense should have warned me, but I got so caught up in the notion of proving or disproving Effy's scheme that I let it override everything. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Later that night I tried to visualise Cook's face, to read his mind about the kiss, but I couldn't. I didn't know if the lack of image was a help or a hindrance to the war escalating inside me. _If I had seen, would it have given me an answer, or only provided more questions? _


	7. Chapter 7

**Gah, I hate doing phone calls because it's just pure dialogue which I know can be annoying, but it seemed the easiest way of doing this. I unofficially call this chapter "Katie finds help from an unlikely source." I've had the idea for a while that I wanted to include Naomi because I loved their interaction on the show and I firmly believe that if we got to see them further down the road they would have a really interesting friendship dynamic.**

**Anyway, this update is mostly just Katie attempting to process what happened with Cook as best she can, (it's one-sided so without speaking to him and gauging his reaction she can't really deal with it entirely) and beginning to acknowledge her growing feelings for Effy. I hope you enjoy, I know it's kind of a cop-out and I promise both Katie/Cook and Keffy interaction to come.**

I walked around Bristol on autopilot. I didn't stop anywhere I usually went and I made a mental note, dismantled as I was, to avoid Brandon Hill. I didn't want Effy to find me. It didn't occur to me that she wasn't tethered to our rules and could probably locate me anywhere she wished. I just paced and tried to think. My lips tingled and my pulse raced. _What the fuck have I done?_ It seemed like everyone wanted this accept for me. _What do you want?_ It was a simple question but I had no answer.

"I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed out, unaware it was actually uttered aloud until some woman at my heels gripped her toddler's hand and practically dragged the child away from my vicinity. I was losing it. I shook my head and fought to figure it all out. I didn't even know how Cook felt. _Was he a mess too? Did it even mean anything? _I tried to place where his lips had last been; suddenly terrified above all else that I might have stolen Effy's last kiss from him. That notion caused a physical pain to surge through my chest and I collapsed onto a low brick wall. My makeshift seat was uncomfortable and yet that seemed better somehow, it niggled at me and broke through my misery on a purely practical level that I could easily address. I could fix my physical comfort if nothing else. I got up and smoothed down my skirt, trudging on as though I hadn't stopped. Suddenly I knew the one thing that would console me.

I pressed the call button quickly and waited, furious when it went straight to voicemail. I tried again. When it happened a third time I lost my patience and called Naomi. The irritating blonde answered on the first ring. _Typical._ I tried to keep the avid hostility out of my voice since me and my sister's girlfriend were mostly civil to each other these days. I didn't want to be the one to break our uneasy truce and incur Emily's wrath. I had enough problems. "Is Ems with you?" I muttered using as hospitable a manner as I could manage.

"Who's asking?" I could hear the mirth in her voice and I bit my lip to stop myself snapping. I was not in the mood. I visualised her annoying smirk miles away as she waited for me to take the bait.

"You know perfectly fucking well who it is, so unless you want your future sister in law to make your life hell for the foreseeable future, I suggest you cut the shit, Naomi." I huffed sourly. I had wanted to be cheered up and this conversation was having the decidedly opposite effect.

"Jeez Katie, I see the anger management has been going well of late, Jenna will be thrilled." Naomi snarked back into the mouthpiece without missing a beat.

"She's in the same class; we're both due to graduate with honours actually." I retorted sarcastically. As much as I wasn't in the correct headspace to verbally spar with the girl, I didn't want her to know that. "Just put Ems on the line, okay? You're boring me now. Time to go back to the drawing board Naomikins, or better yet, get my sister to write you some new gags; this banter of yours is almost as tired as I am."

I could hear the blonde battling in vain to suppress a snort. "As much as I would love to do nothing more, she's not here, she's on her field trip with the rest of her class all day and she doesn't get back until late." I sighed and smacked myself on the forehead hard enough to sting. I had forgotten. At the mention, I vaguely recalled my sister wittering on about something the last time I phoned. _Why did it have to be today of all days?_

"Shit." I growled, more to myself than the girl on the other end of the receiver.

"Are you alright, Katie?" All pretences were dropped and Naomi sounded genuinely worried. I made some barely audible sound that was mostly anguish mixed with pure fury. "Katie?" Naomi had raised her voice and I was grateful that she wasn't in Bristol because she sounded like she had a foot out of the door ready to race to my aid. I didn't need her to rescue me. _Hell, what could she even do anyway? What could anybody do? _I had made my bed and now it was time to lie in it.

"Sure." I mumbled unconvincingly. My hand hovered eager to terminate the call but I knew that would only cause me more trouble in the long run. For a few moments the only sounds were our joint breathing. I hoped that she was going to drop it but I was absolutely positive that she wouldn't, not unless she'd had a lobotomy or some kind of personality transplant recently. _I should have just dealt with this on my own_ I thought bitterly. My inner voice interrupted before I'd even finished commiserating with myself at the situation. _Because that has worked out so well for you so far, haven't it, Katie? _It was a valid point. I exhaled loudly, stalling.

"Tell me." Naomi urged sternly. "Please, Katie, I'm worried. You've been weird lately, even by your standards." I replied with a very unladylike comeback that she promptly ignored, cutting me off mid curse. "I won't even tell Emily if that's what you are scared of."

"I'm not scared." I snapped back. "Besides, you can save your confidentiality clause, you're so whipped I'm not convinced that you could even take a piss without my sister's say so." It was harsh but I wasn't sorry. I needed to lash out at something and it was either her or me. I wasn't convinced I could handle the beating. I didn't listen to her response. I was trying to build up my courage in order to tell her.

_If you say the words it'll make it true,_ the voice whispered. I dismissed it because it what was happening was real regardless. At once I was longing for a bottle of vodka, but in absence of that, I took a number of deep breaths, taking my time over the act. "I kissed Cook." I blurted out, cutting through whatever ridiculous rant Naomi was presently engaged in.

I heard her splutter. It was vaguely satisfying in spite of everything. "What…Cook, as in James Cook." She finally said. I was glad that I didn't have to look at her face.

"Yes, I kissed him, just now, at the prison."

"I knew you were visiting him, but Jesus. Do you…are you...I mean, you two, is it…?" She was struggling to grasp this and I didn't really blame her. Even without the added complication of Effy, which of course she was clueless about; it was kind of a strange state of affairs.

I had kept details of my friendship with Cook minimal for precisely this reason. I didn't want to face the subject. It was clear that none of us were eager to make associations with our less than rosy pasts. We didn't talk about what happened to Freddie and Effy and as a consequence, we glossed over Cook's current circumstances on the whole too. Painful reminders of that time weren't conducive to trying to move on. I was the only one that didn't have a bright future to tarnish, but it was acknowledged mutually that I should stick to the rules for the benefit of the others.

"It was the first time." I prayed that my answer helped to banish at least some of her confusion.

"Okay." I swear I could almost hear her heart pounding through the phone.

"Is that all you've got to say, okay, bloody okay! I'm freaking out here and that's the great advice you give me. Cheers, that's invaluable."

"Sorry, just give me a moment to process this."

"You can have as many as you like." I remarked bitterly, hanging up. _That was a bad idea. _Immediately I regretted opening my big mouth. Just seconds after I ended communication I could hear my ringtone trilling against my hand. It was inevitable. I let it ring and ring until I couldn't stand the noise any longer. "So speak." I barked.

"He's a good kisser." I almost hung up the phone for a second time. Cook's reputation shouldn't have mattered so much, especially since it was ancient history and I was myself, hardly a saint, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how he used to flirt with anything in a skirt. It was ridiculous.

_Were me and Emily the only ones he didn't kiss at college? _I shook my head grimly as I contemplated that I had made that null and void that this afternoon. I refused to be one of those jealous, insecure girls I hated. _I did this, not Cook, I practically jumped on him._ I massaged my aching temples with a grimace. This was such a mess. _How could Effy want me to be mixed up in this? _My stomach lurched as I thought of the girl. _Why would she think this was best for me? _ I felt sick; my world was spinning so violently on its axis that I was getting dizzy. I cleared my throat, tasting a sharp sourness.

"Not helpful, Naomi." I muttered after a sizeable pause.

"Well what do you want me to say, do you regret it or are you looking for my blessing? Forgive me if I'm confused as to what your relationship is, you haven't exactly been truthful about any of this." I was about to snarl some indignant comment before realising that she was right. _Understatement of the century. _Lying was becoming second nature but I didn't have an untruth to hide behind this time. Even if I had, I don't think I possessed the will to use it. I let the truth fall from my lips instead.

"I don't know. " That was all I had to offer. The words were flimsy and useless. I imagined facing Cook with that excuse. I didn't think he would be so forgiving of me messing him around. I was suddenly exhausted. I wanted to go to bed and possibly sleep for the rest of the year. It didn't seem like an option though, and at any rate, I was anxious to return home in case Effy was waiting. She wouldn't be fobbed off so easily. "I'm not looking for validation or absolution from you; I don't want you to say anything. I just want my sister." I sounded small and childlike, like the little girl who needed her twin as a shadow even in the bathroom.

I noticed as I brushed I stray hair from my cheek that the skin was damp. I had been crying, I had no idea how long for, I was only aware that I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. My tears were legitimate, preferable to no reaction, and more productive than screaming out in rage. At least I couldn't be declared as mental for sobbing in public. Furthermore, the teardrops were mine. It was all I could do right then. "I'm so confused…"

"There's someone else isn't there." It wasn't a question. The voice made me jump. I had almost forgotten that someone was on the other end. It had taken me so long to formulate my reply between sobs and ragged breaths.

"Yes." That time when I hung up, I switched my phone off so Naomi couldn't call back. I had nothing left to say. No more stories to hide behind. I couldn't pretend. I think I would have told her everything if she'd wanted me too. I started walking again. I yearned to find a pub, but they would most likely be full of people having lunch dates and coffee breaks and as pathetic as I was, I wasn't far gone enough not to care about the impression I made. I was still Katie Fucking Fitch no matter what. Only alkies and no-hopers got wasted at lunchtime so I curbed the urge.

Instead, my feet travelled to a kiosk where I purchased a pack of menthol cigarettes and a book of matches. My intention was to smoke as many as it took for the nicotine to calm my distorted nerves. I wasn't beyond indulging in chemical help as a coping mechanism; let my lungs take the strain. It was head and my heart I was concerned for anyhow. I lent my back against a tree, concealing myself amongst the dappled shade, it was a universe away from the busy pavements and just the refuge I needed. I ripped open the carton with shaking fingers, fuelled by grim determination. However, before I was able to light the first cancer stick I was hit by the memory of Effy teaching me to inhale properly. I lightly caressed the spot where her fingers had been so long ago. "I can't…" It was barely a whisper. My voice sounded harsh from all the crying. I didn't recognise it. I got up, leaving the full carton and unused matches side by side on the grass.


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, so I took some liberties with the prisoner's visiting schedule, 2 visits a month would just not work with the timeframe of this story, otherwise Katie would be 90 years old before Effy's unfinished business got done lol. Visiting really is until 3.50pm though, I believe. So let's just overlook that, okay. Thanks. **

**I've had a sudden burst of love and inspiration for this fic again, hence the quick upload. I suppose it's because I had finally gotten over the "hurdle" of Cook in my head. Despite having all the other parts mapped out mentally, there was always a lingering confusion about how big of a role I wanted him to play, but I'm pretty satisfied with the outcome. Sorry to those of you who were hoping for more of a Katie/Cook love interest, but this was always going to be Keffy centric because they are my OTP of Skins for all time.**

**Anyway, it's all plain sailing from here, in theory, because I know what happens next. Enjoy! **

I made a decision. I had no idea how I was going to make it reality but I knew I had to try. It occurred to me, with utter certainty, that I had to go and see Cook right away before visiting time ended at 3.50pm. I felt like if I didn't, I would be letting my chance slip away. Talking to Naomi had clarified some things in my head, not that I would ever give the obnoxious blonde any credit. It had helped. I knew where I stood; I just needed to see if my friend was on the same page. _Please, please, please. Let something go my way just one more time_ I internally pleaded. I didn't have the luxury of time to waste waiting for the bus so I hailed the first taxi I saw. I couldn't stop fidgeting for the duration of the journey. _Time is running out. _ I had to talk to him. I was going out of my mind not knowing although it had hardly been an hour since my less than graceful exit.

I was willing to do whatever I had to. I wasn't above begging, flirting, or crying whatever I needed to do to get in. Actually, it was surprisingly simple. I like to think that my much honed high school charm hadn't left me. In any case, for whatever reason, they fell for my contrite little girl lost act, and I'll admit that it wasn't entirely fake. I felt like I had gone astray. My real desperation obviously shone through. I submitted to all the necessary procedures once more. I crossed my heart and promised to behave myself without even crossing my fingers. I think if the guard had requested for me to flash my tits I would have done so, I was shameless right then. James Cook was the only person who existed; I had tunnel vision to everything else. I held my breath, chewing my nails to ragged half-moons, I only quit when I tasted blood. My mother would despair if she spotted my manicure when I got home. _Let her scream the place down if she likes._ I could care less.

Eventually, they told me that he had been taken back to his cell already but agreed to give me 10 minutes. They acted patronising and smarmy as though they were doing me some almighty favour but I resisted arguing with them or my desire to plead for more, I dared not, that point in time was my lifeline. If it backfired, I might have nothing. Besides, I wasn't sure that Cook would be willing to even stay in the same room as me for even 10 seconds. I held my breath as they brought him back to me.

"Cook, I'm so sorry." I blurted out before the guard had even moved away. "I just had to." I hoped he knew what I meant, the kiss, coming back, all of it. _Please hear me._

"Its okay, Katie, just let me say something, alright." I held the million burning questions that were dying to fall from my lips and nodded at him to carry on. "I need you to know, I can't do this, I can't be second best, not again." He wasn't angry or bitter, there was only resignation and that made it worse somehow. I wanted him to scream at me, to unleash it all against me. I deserved that, his outrage, his sorrow, whatever he felt.

I rushed towards him. "You aren't!" I exclaimed. I had enough passion for both of us. Heads turned in our direction, staring indiscreetly as I bared my soul. Their burning eyes didn't matter. I barely saw them. I was fighting to cling on to what I had, Cook, our relationship that I knew without a doubt I had destroyed irreparably. He was my best friend. I needed him and I had ruined it. I was distraught. _Don't you care! _I wanted to shout, but I couldn't because even as I thought it, I knew he did. It was reflected in his face, the depth of his connection to me still. So I held my tongue, hoping that what he saw contained within my eyes would be enough. _Windows to the soul_, the voice inside me declared.

He, by contrast didn't raise his voice. Cook turned to me, his tone gentle, only a slight wistfulness betraying that this wasn't how he'd initially wanted this conversation to go. "Who are you trying so hard to convince, me or you?" I had no reply. My mouth opened and closed uselessly, flapping like a goldfish. He clasped my hand warmly. "It's fine, this isn't what I want either. I'm not in the right headspace to deal with this right now, but I will say this, whoever your mystery boy is, they're a very lucky son of a bitch." He smiled and gave my fingers a gentle squeeze before letting go. It meant that the dismissal was less harsh. I was grateful. As much as I agreed, it still had stung a little, wounded my pride and my ego, to know that he didn't want me. "Do they know how you feel?" He asked finally.

I shook my head. "I don't think so…I…no." I muttered.

"So, what are you doing here then, go, Katie!" He urged sincerely. "Sort out your melodramatic love life, girl."

I stared at him in disbelief. "I came to make things right with us. I had to find out where we stood and make sure I didn't fuck up this friendship forever." I wouldn't let him push me out of the door so soon, not until he had won me over and persuaded me utterly that this friendship was safe.

"You haven't. I wanted to thank you actually." I must have been staring at him like he was crazy because he quickly elaborated while I quickly endeavoured to wrap my brain around this U-turn. _Thank me? I'm a screw up…_My mind was racing a million miles a minute and I tried to silence it so I could listen. He smiled. "That kiss made me realise something. Even in here, even after everything, there is life after Effy." I gasped. It was the first time during all our conversations that he had said her name. The fact that he did so without sadness or anger stirred a quiet hope within me. It felt like he was making progress. Funnily enough, it felt like his loose ends finally being tied up. I smiled back. _I'm so proud of you _I thought. Any words that I was about to say were choked.

"You're the one I should be thanking; I'd be such a mess without you." I finally stammered.

Cook grinned widely. "This is beginning to sound like the bloody Oscars." I chuckled in agreement, refusing to apologise for saying what I had. I meant every word and you can't say fairer than that. "You should go before you get thrown out again." I glanced at the clock sadly. He was right. I was living on borrowed time.

I turned to go, embracing him hurriedly. I knew I shouldn't, given that I was on a warning and I'd had to practically swear of my own life that I would behave in order to be granted an audience with my friend but I couldn't help it. It reassured me when I felt the boy hugging back just as tightly. _I haven't lost him._ My body was half-way out the doors when I heard him call out to me, I spun around without hesitation

"Oh, and Katiekins, I've had an idea. If we're both single in a few years, when I get out of here, maybe we can try this all again, with better timing, you know? I'd love to take you on a proper date."

"I'd really like that."

When I got home, Effy was perched on my bed. It was like she had never been away. Without saying a word or otherwise recognising her presence I first stepped over to the mirror and crossed out Cook's name. I didn't look at her as I did so because I knew that her trademark smug would be firmly in place. Effy Stonem had played me. I shouldn't have expected anything less. _I'm the world's biggest sucker. _I deliberated over how worked up I had let myself get, how anxious she had allowed me to become, and I exhaled loudly. _Nothing is ever straightforward with you, is it? _ I thought. It was my own fault too. It had to happen this way because I was too stubborn for any other outcome. That was the reality and we were both sure of it. Nevertheless, that didn't mean she could get off lightly. She had tormented me. _You're lucky I like you so much, or else…_ I didn't complete that thought because I had clocked Effy's movement.

"Don't, just don't." I warned as she contemplated speaking. I didn't want to hear 'I told you so'. I could visualise her just inching to do a victory dance at my expense. That wasn't going to happen. My voice was steely as I viewed her in the mirror. Instead, to keep my cool, I concentrated my attentions on what was written on the glass. I knew the list off by heart, but I gazed at it intently regardless. There was one name left. Effy had saved the trickiest for last, I could sense it.

"How much do you love me?" I turned my face away because although she was joking, my skin flushed crimson. I wondered if for once, she was unaware how close to the bone that comment was. I bit my lip, immediately ecstatic that the curtain of my hair obscured my face. Sometimes, being too busy for a haircut had its advantages. When I didn't respond, she spoke again. "Because, this next task is going to require some travelling and it's going to mean more time off. It's unavoidable and I'm not going to lie, Katie, you might get sacked."

My embarrassment was suddenly forgotten as my curiosity overtook it. "What are you getting me into this time, Stonem, and more importantly, where are we going?" My head was already filled with notions of what to pack, key issues like which pairs of shoes to take and how much could I conceivably fit in my handbag. I dismissed my job off-hand. It wasn't like it was going anywhere; it wasn't my dream career or even a stepping stone. It was a dead end. Effy had probably done me a favour enlisting me as her errand girl.

She chuckled at my excitement. "York." She countered. I beamed. I had never been, and my imagination was running riot, picturing glamorous boutique shops and cafes. I could honestly have killed for a change of scenery, a break from Bristol's drudgery. This couldn't have dropped in my lap at a better time. "But Katie, don't forget, we're on a mission, so try and pack light." I rolled my eyes. Telling me to travel light was like telling Effy not to smirk or my mother not to scowl. It was an impossibility, but I kept my mouth shut. I was too excited. Nothing was going to burst my bubble.

The prospect of days alone with Effy, exploring somewhere unfamiliar sounded like the best kind of adventure. It was the sort of activity that I would have loved for us to bond over when she was alive. We'd never even been shopping together in those days. That seemed like several lifetimes ago now. Yet again, I couldn't believe that she genuinely trusted me. I still expected her to change her mind and say that this was all a big mistake. I switched on my laptop hurriedly in case she decided to reconsider. It was stupid, I know, but none of this seemed real. I thrust my doubts aside, keen to remain latched on to my happiness. In truth, I was already partially considering train tickets and hotel rooms.

"Count me in." I didn't even ask about why we were going or what would happen when we got there. I decided to leave that to Effy. There was plenty of time for her to fill me in on the details. For now, I just wanted to enjoy the promise of what was to come, and get lost in the planning like any other normal girl heading off for the weekend.


	9. Chapter 9

**Here we are again. Not the longest or best chapter, but I have been so busy lately. I hope you like it anyway. As ever, thanks to all of you who take the time to give me feedback via reviews and have patience over my multiple crises of confidence during this story. It means a lot that you have stuck with me. The end draws nearer, only a few more chapters to go after this; I'm not sure how many yet. **

"Why is Naomi calling _you _for the 100th time in an hour?" I scowled silencing my phone with the touch of a button. I didn't want to have this conversation again. When I told Effy about what had happened with Cook I told her only the parts that were necessary. I glossed over the feelings that I was too afraid to express. It was easier to let her think that Cook had let me down gently, that we'd both decided that friendship was the best thing for us. Effy just couldn't let things lie though. She always did see all the unspoken things.

"I told you, I called her looking for Emily when I was having my crisis over snogging Cook. It's no big deal." It was an oversimplification more than a blatant lie, but I still felt guilty. It was just that I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I was used to boys tripping over themselves to pursue me; I'd never done the chasing. Under normal circumstances it would have been a big enough shock to the system realising that I remotely liked another girl in this way, but this wasn't just any girl. It made my head spin even considering it, so I tried hard not to. Luckily Effy, if she was aware of my turmoil, chose not to make an issue of it. _Don't you just wish Katie that she would call you out; say the words just once, no more hiding…_ The voice in my head didn't let up and I couldn't pretend that it wasn't getting harder to keep up the charade. I was far from ready to shout from the rooftops just yet, but there was undeniably a part of me that refused to keep silent.

Effy's teasing demeanour hadn't altered so I had no idea how she felt and it seemed wrong to ask. Not just because Effy wasn't gay, but because she wasn't alive either. _What's the point, you can't even touch her? _It didn't matter though, I couldn't switch it off. I was grateful at least that I didn't have to worry about whispering in the shared carriage. The idea of the phone headset as a means to communicate with my ghostly friend had come to me randomly and I seriously couldn't believe that I hadn't considered it before. It was amazing how much simpler a little device made things; I could talk as loudly as I liked, about pretty much anything and nobody batted an eyelid. That was one less weight of my mind at any rate. _Ah, the beauty of the technological age._ I was so relaxed now that I wasn't forced to look over my shoulder, suspecting that everybody viewed me as having some mental illness.

Effy smirked beside me. "Maybe you should tell her that, I don't think she's got the message yet." Her retort coincided with the exact moment that my phone chirped to life again. I groaned. "Persistent isn't she?" The girl next to me may have been amused but I definitely wasn't. I didn't want to have this conversation at all, much less with an audience.

Things had been better between Effy and I during the last few days, since the Cook scenario resolved itself. We'd had a long talk and forgiven each other respectively. Of course, I censored myself and concealed a lot of my real motivations for kissing the boy. I wasn't stupid. I kept things simple, doing most of the apologising myself. I had expected as much anyway, Effy Stonem didn't really do sorry, not in so many words. I could tell she felt bad and that had to suffice. So, we'd cleared the air as much as was possible with my giant secret hanging over my head, and I was just trying to look forward to a few days somewhere new. I didn't need the blonde ramping up my angst levels again. _She'd better not have told Emily_ I thought to myself. I had since reconsidered my stance on keeping my sister in the loop, deciding it was better that she knew very little. I assume that Naomi agreed because my sister wasn't bombarding me with calls and messages and there was no way she'd have stayed quiet if she knew.

"Let's just forget about certain annoying blonde's okay? This trip is supposed to be fun."

Effy's eyes flashed mischievously. "Oh, it already is, I'm having a whale of a time. Don't expect me to drop this, I will discover what you're hiding, Katie…" I exhaled sharply trying not to show how agitated that premise made me. _That's what I'm afraid of. _ My excitement had suddenly dwindled and we were only a few miles from Bristol. I had an inkling that maybe so much alone time with the other girl was a mistake. I fought hard to get a grip and prayed that the train would hurry along. I needed to divert Effy's attentions with the next task and quick. There was a lot at stake if I didn't.

"Uh, York is a big place, right, how are we going to find one girl who you haven't seen in years?" The question fell from my lips easily; it had been bugging me ever since Effy had outlined her final set of loose ends. It was all well and good in theory to suggest finding her brother's former girlfriend and reunite the lost lovers, but I had a feeling that it wouldn't be that easy. This wasn't the movies, and as romantic as her plan was, I had a horrible feeling that we were doomed to fail. I wasn't any kind of expert, but in my experience, exes were exes for a reason. Beside the fact that if Tony really did love Michelle as much as Effy said, why was he gearing up to marry someone else? Surely the fiancée was more than an insignificant fly in the ointment, no matter how effortlessly Effy dismissed her from our conversations. I didn't share these notions with the other girl. Contrary to popular opinion, I did know a thing or two about when to keep my mouth shut. This was important to my friend and I wasn't about to shit all over her goals. Cynicism wouldn't help; if anything we needed a miracle. I bit my tongue.

"I've got it covered." That was it, no explanation. Not that I was anticipating any. However, I did notice that Effy sounded assured, more so that I had heard in a long time. As a result, I couldn't bring myself to be sarcastic or mock her, as much as I might have liked to.

"Facebook?"

"In part yes, but I have other methods of keeping track." I grinned because that seemed to me to be the truest thing she had ever told me. I didn't doubt for a second that didn't lose touch with anybody unless it was her choice. Once you were in her intimate circle she kept you firmly in her sights forever. I wondered what would have happened to the old gang if things had turned out differently, namely what would she and Freddie have done, or become, would they have stayed together and been blissfully happy or would she have let him go, keeping her distance yet staying close? I imagined her still wrapped up in all our lives, just out of sight, over our shoulder, but there nonetheless.

"Do you miss the way things used to be?" I remarked gently. She didn't answer and I assumed that she hadn't heard, lost in her thoughts as I had been, but that is when I saw it. I didn't think ghosts could cry until I witnessed it with my own eyes, those unmistakable glistening tracks that could be nothing else. My heart squeezed painfully at the sight and it occurred to me still didn't know what Effy was actually capable of. "Don't cry, Ef'" I retorted woefully. The words were a lame substitute for the comforting touch that I was unable to give. I reached out to take her hand anyway, although it was hopeless, sighing as I connected to the coldness within her. We stayed like that for a long time. The only sound that existed was that of my heartbeat in my ears, and the loudness only highlighted the absence of the other girl's lifetime more acutely.

_Why does it have to be like this? _I thought. More than anything I just wanted us to be two friends on a trip, but it could never be like that, not properly, and tragic reminders of that were never far away. I turned to look at Effy. "Tell me the story again." I replied, knowing instantly that she would oblige. I'd learnt that she liked to be reminded of simpler times, the past when things were easier and I liked to feel connected to an Effy I had missed out on. The story of Michelle's broken watch gave me a glimpse of a girl I'd never met. The Elizabeth Stonem in the story cared, maybe too much, but at least she felt. I enjoyed hearing about the girl who believed in things. Rather than listening to the words, which I had already heard before, I focused on watching her face as she spoke.

Initially, I had been hoping that this tale would cheer me up, it worked on Effy, but I was left feeling sadder by the end. I had been kidding myself, this weekend couldn't be carefree. It was the beginning of the end and I understood now that the problem wasn't going to be whether or not we succeeded in getting Michelle to Bristol. The issue was the engagement party that we had to crash. Effy coming face to face with her older brother again that was the real challenge, she wouldn't be able to touch or even talk to Tony, and I couldn't even begin to contemplate that agony. It was no surprise that she had left this task for last.

"What's wrong Katie, you're so quiet, and it's almost disturbing. Not that I don't enjoy the peace, but, well, it's unnatural." Effy said all this with a chuckle but it sounded hollow and I could feel her concern shining through. _I'm such a bad person; I should be looking after her right now, not making her worry. _

I forced myself to smile. "Nothing's wrong." I was certain that she wouldn't be fooled, but I had to try.

"What is it, are you nervous about what to say to Michelle?"

I nodded, relieved that she had unwittingly given me an excuse. "Yeah, that's it, you got me. I'm just anxious about what the hell I'm going to tell her, after all, I'm a stranger on her doorstep, why should she listen to me?"

"Just tell her what we agreed, it shouldn't be hard to convince her, Tony is the love of her life that should be enough." I couldn't hold back a frown. _Should be, had to be more like. _We didn't have much choice. I wanted to ask her why it hadn't been enough for her then, why her love for Freddie hadn't saved her, but I didn't. I was a coward. Similarly, I avoided going down the route of expressing the multiple 'what if' situations that were crowding my thoughts. Nonetheless, my mind's eye seemed intent of informing me just how wrong this could go. I visualised Michelle slamming the door in my face, which was honestly one of the more realistic scenarios, our plans wouldn't have a leg to stand on then. Then what would we do? We didn't have forever to figure this out. The engagement was really happening unless we intervened.

"It'll be okay. You may never have met her, but she still knows you." My bewildered expression must have been obvious because Effy smiled. "Do you really think I never mentioned you in any of my emails?" I didn't know how to react. As far as I was concerned, I'd never really thought of myself as registering much on Effy's radar. I believed she tolerated me, nothing more, since I always seemed to annoy her.

"Uhhh…All good I hope…" The other girl predictably rolled her eyes at me and my ineptitude.

"You make it sound like we were enemies, Katie."

I remembered her distain on the first day of college, her disinterest at Cook's birthday party and her outright dismissal of my offers of comfort at Panda's sleepover. I thought back to all the game playing, Freddie, Gobbler's End and could come to only one conclusion in response. "Weren't we?" I mumbled.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the delay, personal blah and business have conspired against me. Also I finally got a tumblr account which is the greatest distraction on the planet.**

**It sounds strange to say given their role here, but I was never a Tony/Michelle shipper. To be honest, the pairing just fit with my idea for the story. I hope that I have written Michelle okay and will continue to do so; it was kind of weird stepping into her shoes. I always thought that there were similarities/parallels between Michelle's character and Katie's in some ways so it seemed only right for Katie to pick up on that.**

**I hope you like this. Sorry there is a bit of a jump, I didn't want to bore you with unnecessary journey stuff. Anyway, reviews, as ever, are love.**

Before I knew it Effy and I were outside Michelle's flat, forcing me to empty my mind of all my other concerns. The only issue that mattered now was getting inside and explaining the situation to the girl. I had no idea how she would react to my presence or how she would feel about what I had to tell her and Effy seemed to be acting deliberately obtuse whenever I mentioned my fears. I didn't grumble because I knew that it would be hard for her to have to see Michelle in the flesh. Ironically the silence of the girl in her presence was no longer a choice and I could tell that Effy would have done anything to be able to speak to Michelle this time. _If only she could, don't fuck this up Katie_ my internal voice snarled. That was just what I needed, I was already on edge and nobody, not even myself it seemed, believed in me.

"I can't do this." I muttered, no longer even caring that I was blatantly whining. I was working myself into such a state that I would have happily boarded another train and gone straight home again. It was honestly starting to feel like the cleverest option.

"Sure, you can. Katie, just look how far we've come." She didn't just mean literally the miles we had travelled. Obviously, since Effy appeared to me that first time we had managed to accomplish a lot together and looking back, I realised that I hadn't exactly been confident in my abilities on those occasions either. _It worked out before, come on, just once more. _ I glanced over at Effy, seeking the final reassurance that I needed in order to press the buzzer and the nerve to hold it down. Our eyes met. She was smiling at me and I noticed that it was more genuine than her usual smirks. Seeing that gave me the last few ounces of necessary courage. I didn't hesitate.

Nobody responded for the longest time. I felt like a loser standing there, seemingly alone, with my arms folded defensively across my chest. If Effy hadn't been watching me expectantly I would have walked away after counting to 20. Patience wasn't a virtue that I was well known for. Finally, the door opened and we walked side by side to the third floor, only breaking stride when I began lagging slightly behind, slower in my impractical heels. I rushed to catch up, missing the closeness of the girl next to me. I realise that I must have looked a real spectacle, galloping along but I wasn't bothered. The crucial thing as far as I was concerned, was only that Effy was gallant enough not to tease me about this.

I think she wisely deduced that I was dreading pleading with a girl who was virtually a stranger. The fact that I hadn't stopped complaining under my breath during the entire ascent was probably a good indicator of my mood, not that she could have been in any way struggling to work out what I might have been thinking. I didn't mean to be defeatist, but I'd seen films that had more plausible plot ideas than this fail to come to fruition so I didn't exactly rate my chances. Emily might have succeeded, however, her skills of persuasion were greater than most. Not being blessed with the same talents as my sister, I had no clue how to convince Michelle to gatecrash an engagement party of the older brother of my dead friend. It wasn't ideal that I'd never actually met Tony either, only hearing about him second-hand.

The doorway loomed and I rubbed my desperately throbbing temples, unable to stall any longer. I knocked loudly and persistently, my left foot tapping in time nervously. The door was opened by a tall redhead with heavy-lidded grey eyes. She studied me with an air of bemusement and I cleared my throat awkwardly. Clearly, unless Effy's physical description was woefully inaccurate then this was not Michelle. I stepped forward, keeping my manner friendly yet casual. "Uh Hi, I'm Katie, I'm looking for Michelle Richardson, is she here?"

The girl nodded. "Yeah sure, come in." I was expecting some form of questioning at the very least, so I just nodded dumbly as she beckoned me inside without another word. She gestured for me to take a seat on the old sofa that was shoved against the wall ahead of summoning Michelle by calling her name loudly. I held my breath, waiting.

After a few moments a slender brunette stepped into the living room. Her long curly hair was clearly still damp from the shower and she frowned, glaring at her flat mate. "What's the problem; I didn't use all the fucking hot water!" She snapped before noticing me. "Oh, hello, sorry I didn't see you…" She blustered. I immediately stood up.

"Its fine, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just come by unannounced."

She brightened, smiling. "You're Katie Fitch." I didn't know what else to do except return the grin with a gentle nod. Effy had been telling the truth, she had told Michelle about me. I made a mental note to interrogate my friend later, turning my attention back to Michelle.

"That's right. I wanted to talk to you-"

She cut me off. "I know why you're here."

I exhaled loudly, relieved. "You do?"

"It's because of the bloody infuriating Stonems." Her eyes clouded over with sadness at the mention of Tony and Effy so I had to bite my cheek hard to prevent myself from snorting at her frighteningly accurate description and ruining the moment. I had completely forgotten Effy lingering at my side, oblivious to her thoughts on this exchange and instead totally engrossed in my first impression of Michelle. I liked the girl. I could see similarities between the two of us and it occurred to me that if we'd crossed paths in another life she would have been good friends.

"Yes actually." I handed her the wedding announcement that Effy had alerted me too and insisted that I print out. She surveyed it without speaking, scowling only slightly. I got the feeling that it wasn't the first time she had read the words. "They are having a party a week from today. We can stop this from happening, I mean, if you want." She smoothed out the sheet of paper roughly and I recognised the familiar signs of a girl fighting against her temper. Her nostrils flared and it was apparent to all of us that she ached to crumble the page into a ball. She resisted, and witnessing the war inside of her, I gained yet more respect for this girl.

"Forgive me if I've missed out on some vital plot point here, but why are you helping me? You don't know me or Tony that well, so why bother."

I couldn't begrudge her the question or taking her anger out on me. I stayed calm. "Effy is my friend and I know that she doesn't want this wedding to go ahead. I'm here for her, because she can't be. She told me that you and her brother were the real thing, her benchmark for measuring what real love was. So, in answer to your question, I'm here to stop you both from making a big mistake." I rambled softly and it didn't even occur to me until later that I had referred to Effy in several of the wrong tenses.

"Effy really said that?" Michelle whispered, her eyes filling with unshed tears. I nodded. "I thought she…" The girl didn't finish, honestly she didn't have to. I knew what she meant and Effy would to. I continued, unable to meet the unseen girl's gaze at that moment although I could feel it piercing me.

"She always cared about you Michelle, wanted you to be happy. She always believed that even when you and Tony called it a day, it wasn't over and that you'd eventually find your way back to each other. You two are meant to be together, and sometimes it takes a random stranger like me saying it, to make you see."

Michelle was crying now, wiping her eyes of the sleeve of her jumper. "I never wanted to let him go, it's just life, you know. Sometimes it doesn't work out the way you want." She smiled and sniffed softly, feeling self-conscious. "We did try; it was just the whole long distance thing, being away from him all the time." I nodded. If there was one thing I could relate to it was distance. My and Effy were separated by the biggest barrier of all. I bit my lip, purposely focusing solely on Michelle. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would crumble if I dared to make eye-contact. I had to concentrate, this wasn't about me. I had a job to do.

I took a deep breath and got a hold on my own jumbled emotions. "It's not too late." I let the implications sink in. Thanks to me barging in, Michelle had a lot to consider. The stakes were high so I wasn't about to rush her. At least her reaction had given me food for thought. Things didn't seem quite so doomed, for her and Tony at any rate.

I don't know what I expected but her open nature and willingness to discuss all of this had surprised me. _Not everybody is a cold, hard bitch, Katie. _I reasoned. Besides, maybe she had nobody else who she could talk to about all of this. If her friends were anything like mine they wouldn't encourage her in agonising over past hurts.

"You are doing the right thing." Effy remarked softly in my ear, making me jump. I wasn't shocked that she had correctly interpreted my thoughts, since that was second nature to the girl, simply blind to her presence as I lost myself in musings. I smiled, the only response I could realistically make with Michelle in the room. I did however take Effy's words as my cue to go. I decided that it would be wise to give Michelle some alone time to digest what I had said so I made myself as scarce as possible in the tiny flat without actually leaving.

"I'll go and stick the kettle on." I mumbled, not waiting to see if the girl had even heard me as I retreated.

"Wow, you almost made me cry." Effy retorted as I fiddled with mugs and tea bags. I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm. I had been expecting a genuinely heartfelt reaction from her when faced with Michelle and yet all I got was the usual aloofness.

_Old habits die hard_. I didn't have to be a mind-reader to realise that it was a coping mechanism so I swallowed my snappy comebacks. _Are you okay? _ I wanted to ask but it was hardly the time. The other girl was only a few feet away. She probably already thought I was weird showing up like I had and spouting words normally only found within hallmark cards so I wasn't about to volunteer anymore ammunition by appearing to talk to myself. The solution came to me in the form of my phone key pad. **It must be exhausting wearing that brave face, take it off, you don't need it for me.**

Effy dutifully read my message, snorting. "It's a little late for an emotional intervention, Katie. I'm not going to cry on your shoulder singing _Kum ba yah. _" She mumbled in irritation. I just smiled back at her. I could tell that in spite of herself she was secretly thrilled that I wasn't fooled anymore. Once upon a time, she was a closed book to me, an enigma, but now I saw through Effy as plainly as she had seen through me that first day of college. Reading people was a skill and I'd learnt from the best. I refused to believe it was hopeless, we had come this far. Stranger things had happened than the prospect of Effy Stonem speaking candidly to me. For the moment I ignored her, content to play along. _I have all the time in the world, she doesn't, she'll come around._ It was a cruel thought and I pushed it away, thankful that for all her skills my friend wasn't an actual mind reader.

I busied myself, and hoping that by the time I was done Michelle would have recovered enough to make a decision. Notwithstanding what I had said, we didn't have the luxury of an unlimited timetable. There was a lot of planning necessary to get her to Cardiff if that was what she wanted. If she refused, there was even more that needed to be done, especially if I was doing this sing-handedly, without her. After all, one way or another I was being relied upon to go to the party and do something with the aim of stopping this wedding in its tracks. I couldn't afford to hang around until they had made it half way down the aisle. It was now or never.


	11. Chapter 11

**I have no words for how sorry I am that it has taken me so long to update this story. My only excuse is that real life has made me its bitch lately. I hope you like this chapter anyway, I wrote it quickly, given that I haven't had much time and didn't want to leave you waiting any longer, so please feel free to tell me if it sucks lol.**

**On the positive side, with the end in sight, I felt that it was time for Katie's feelings to be brought to the surface. Keffy ahoy! I will go down with this ship; I refuse to believe that the fandom is dead.**

It was getting late by the time Michelle made her decision. She had been going back and forth between her head and her heart for hours. The tug of war going on within her made me feel both uneasy and guilty. I wavered as many times as she did it seemed, lacking the conviction of my silent friend.

I wasn't a romantic as such, I was a realist and I kept picturing another girl with a shiny engagement ring on her finger and a bright smile on her face. It was so new that maybe it wouldn't even fit right, but it was hers nonetheless. That image made me feel sick, but just when I was about to give up and call the whole charade off, I recalled with perfect clarity the feeling of being second place. Something clicked in my brain then. After all, maybe Freddie and I had used each other, but it still hurt that he had wanted Effy the entire time we were together. _It isn't right. _Tony had apparently reminisced with his sister many times, the most recent occasion only being a few weeks before she died. The girl had told me all about the faraway look in his eyes, so unmistakable; he was harbouring some not very subtle feelings for the one that got away. That was what swung it for me, that notion, that the girl, whoever she was, deserved someone who adored her wholeheartedly, not someone that was settling, or hiding. _Love had made Tony a coward._ Not that he was alone, I visualised all the times I had stayed with a boy for the sake of appearances. Additionally, I remembered the stubbornness that had kept Naomi from Emily and the fear that had caused Effy to run from Freddie. _Sometimes love doesn't find a way, it needs a nudge._ So that is what I was trying to do. If Tony was too afraid, too wary, or too broken to fight, then it was down to Michelle.

"Okay, I'll come with you, but only if he doesn't call me nips." I stared at her; Effy hadn't seen fit to reveal that nickname. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the girl beside me._ Keep it together, Katie._

I bit my lip. "Ummm…I'm sure he's grown out of that by now." I remarked carefully as my best friend laughed hysterically unseen.

Michelle smiled. "I'll make all the arrangements to come back with you for the party, but Katie, you have to get me in. I don't want Tony to find out I'm coming, it has to be a surprise." I nodded in agreement, promising to do my part. I all but crossed my heart, so adamant was I in wanting to prove my sincerity.

We left soon afterwards, Effy and I, since there wasn't much else that could be done right then. Michelle had my contact details and the plans were being formulated. _This will all be over soon. _I tried not to dwell on how bittersweet that felt. I had to find the positives, for Effy. I couldn't be selfish now. If I thought hard about it, deep down, I felt lighter knowing that the final piece of the puzzle had been clicked into place. I had done almost everything that had been asked of me and now there was only one thing on my mind. _Enjoy the time you have left. _Apparently Effy was thinking the same. She smiled at me and her grin was almost distinctly wolfish.

"You deserve a reward." She remarked as we marched back down the endless flights of stairs. My heart skipped a beat and I stumbled, my imagination conjuring images that I was aware resembled nothing of the real evening the other girl had intended, but that I was fixated on nonetheless. I picked myself up and forced eye-contact, refusing to be beaten. _Don't give the upper hand. _Her well-chosen phraseology had meant to derail me and I didn't want to let on just how quickly my pulse was racing. I plastered a grin on my face as if I was ignorant to her teasing manner.

"Oh really, what did you have in mind?" I retorted, playing innocent.

"Nothing special, let's just go exploring." Effy sounded positively gleeful at the prospect and I don't remember hearing her so delighted since the days in life when she never failed to sniff out a party. I realised at once that she wasn't playing any games this time, it was all genuine. The girl couldn't fake the expression she wore, that much was clear. She glowed with the excitement of adventure and I had to remind myself that it was likely even more dull than I predicted, being a ghost. I nodded eagerly, not wanting the fire in her eyes to dim for an instant. I was feeling pretty keyed up too at this point, the energy was infectious. So, we began walking side by side through the busy side streets and eventually found our way to a cocktail bar that appeared to function as a make-shift mid-week student nightclub.

I stalled because ghosts can't drink and I wanted Effy to have fun too. _Tonight should be about both of us._ I told myself as I immediately began searching for somewhere better, but the girl at my side just strolled inside ahead of me without reservation. "Come on, Katie, you need to loosen up!" She beckoned me towards a stool. I shuffled uncomfortably, feeling scruffy and underdressed, however she was unperturbed. She beamed mischievously. "Tonight, you drink." She commanded.

Against my better judgement, that is exactly what I ended up doing. It had been so long since I'd let my hair down, I couldn't even remember the last time that I had gone out, and nevertheless it wouldn't have been anything other than a night doing the rounds in the bars of Bristol. I didn't want to admit it but I was stuck in a rut, and there is definitely something to be said for partying in a place where people don't know your name. I quickly realised the appeal of fleeing Bristol for university which was precisely what my Roundview cohorts had done. It was the lure of escapism. On balance, I could have reinvented myself into anything or anyone that night and regardless of my antics I didn't have to worry about a flurry of tweets of facebook statuses accompanying my walk of shame in the morning. It sounds in bad taste to say this, given the company I was keeping, but I felt more alive than I had for a long time. I was on top of the world, a drink firmly in hand as I dragged Effy to the dance floor, I desired nothing more. _She knew, she just knew what I desperately needed without me saying a word. _ I grinned at Effy soundlessly, in awe of the other girl even after all this time. I still envied the way she could read me better than I could, it was dazzling.

In any case, I wasn't in the mood for restraint and as a result, it wasn't long before the alcohol surged through my veins and flushed my skin. I was content and flooded with the warmth of utter happiness. "This was such a good idea!" I yelled against the music, finding my companion's invisible ear. She smirked back at me, but even in my less than sober state I could see that she was distracted. "What's wrong?" I asked, concerned that she was having a miserable time.

She inclined her head towards the bar and I followed her line of sight, my friend was watching a lone girl with dark hair. I stared at the girl quizzically before turning to Effy. "I don't understand." I muttered. I wondered foolishly if the stranger was a ghost too, because I could see no other reason for her to be sought out. Effy didn't take her eyes off the unrecognisable figure. She was totally wrapped up in the unknown girl. I simply watched, clueless.

"Kiss her, Katie." She whispered finally. The glass I was holding almost fell from my fingertips. I was sure I must have misheard. The statement came out of nowhere, bombarding me. I struggled to organise my thoughts. My mouth opened and closed in confusion. _Why are you doing this to me? _ I cringed. _Oh, god, what kind of signals am I giving off?_

"That's not funny, Effy." I retorted angrily. It was almost a growl. I could imagine the night souring irreparably from here onwards. I had to be so careful. It was vital that I controlled what happened next. _She cannot know. _The voice in my head screamed over and over. I exhaled raggedly.

"Who's joking? I can tell you are curious." Her tone was maddeningly level, calm and without hint of either sarcasm or mirth. I refused to blush.

I opted for deflection, it seemed the safest measure. "Curious? Do you honestly think I haven't kissed a girl before? I've had more boyfriends than you've probably had hot dinners, and I know a thing or two about what men like." I replied, adding a smug smile. I hoped it would deter her from pursing this line of thought any further. I wasn't ready to be having this conversation, especially with my defences so impeded by the alcohol. There was a very real danger that I could give myself away. One slip of the tongue was all it would take.

"This is different; you don't have an audience this time."

"Don't I?" I snapped, glaring at her. "Is this how you get your kicks now that you can't do anything yourself, kind of pervy, don't you think?" I began walking away, needing to create distance before she saw through my anger to the real emotions beneath.

"I just want you to be happy, Katie." The sadness in her voice made me spin on my heels. Our eyes locked.

"I think you have the wrong Fitch." I mumbled weakly. Neither of us laughed. I tried to smile and found that I couldn't. I was frozen, a girl in turmoil.

"You don't need to be scared, nobody knows you here." I couldn't stand how reasonable and matter of fact she was being. It was crushing me. 'It's all fine' she seemed to say. Yet, everything was wrong, it was all falling apart, all I'd known, what I was. I was losing a grip on my whole identity and there she stood, huddled, with a tiny smile on her face.

My fury bubbled over. "Oh my god, you planned this!" My feet were carrying me away again, the flight response kicking in since I had nothing to fight. I couldn't punch a ghost so that left only the option to run. Unfortunately Effy kept pace with my stride easily, she didn't need to struggle for breath or feel the angry pinch of high heels. I cursed loudly at the air where she was, not caring how it appeared to onlookers anymore. "Jesus, how long have you waiting for this opportunity? It fell through with Cook, so what, this is the back-up solution, is that it?" She tried to take my arm before remembering that she couldn't. I felt the echo of her frustration nonetheless. I was beyond irritation however, I was furious.

"It isn't like that; I'm just scared for you, when I leave…" I didn't let her finish. I didn't want to listen.

"Stop fucking with my life!" I screamed. "I'd take Michelle to Cardiff tomorrow if I could; the sooner you disappear forever, the better I'll be!"

I started to run with earnest then. I raced the pools of light the streetlights cast. I wasn't sure when exactly I began crying but the rivers of smudged mascara gradually blinkered my vision and my eyes burned. I carried on going until the exertion forced me to a state of near collapse. I wasn't any sort of athlete, and never claimed to be. _Shit._ I crashed, my lungs constricting painfully. I had no idea how much time had passed or how far I had travelled, aware only that I suddenly wanted a cigarette more than anything. I sobbed. That thought conjured up an image of Effy and I banished it, afraid that the mere suggestion of her would be enough to cause the girl to appear. I sank to my knees, my body pressed to ancient orange brick. _What. The. Hell. Just happened? _ Attempting to consider things rationally was a huge effort. All the same, consciousness broke through somehow and I shivered with residual adrenaline and the chill of the night breeze. I looked up, cold and alone, and it dawned on me that I had no idea where I was. This wasn't the way things were supposed to be. _Is this what rock bottom feels like? _I wondered.


	12. Chapter 12

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. I apologise that it's kind of rushed, and urge you to kindly overlook any errors. I'm swamped by other fics and therefore trying to end this story since there are only a few more chapters to come. Let me know what you think, your feedback is crucial to keeping this story going and I would love to know your thoughts on the way you would like it to end before I get there. After all, I may write for me, but it's for you too, and I relish and take on board all your input.**

I was served up a rude awakening in the form of a broken heel. Everything unravelled, stopping me in my tracks. The undignified sprawl that I suffered as it detached against a crack in the pavement, sobered me up to the harsh reality of my botched escape. My scraped knees, wounded pride, and the biting cold breeze, all mingled with my surging adrenaline and the powerful tugging undercurrent of fear, opening my eyes. It was only then, glancing around, that I realised how foolish I had been. _Get a fucking grip, Katie. _I rapidly took stock of the situation. I discovered that the place where I had been crouching should have been, and in all likelihood was, nicknamed something like 'murder alley', it was stereotypically dark and sinister.

Everything else aside, I definitely didn't have a death wish. Therefore, I obviously had no choice but to get out of there before the night took a very different turn. As hopeless as things seemed, there would be no coming back from what could befall me if I stubbornly stayed, so I forced my stung ego to take a backseat. There was no time for pig-headedness, that attitude and the ensuing recklessness had gotten me stranded in the first place and I was aware that I was extremely lucky to have the luxury of the trail of streetlights to guide me back to the safety of the city centre. Willing myself to be calm, I walked until I found somewhere to hail a taxi. In hindsight that proved to be a smart move since the journey back made me realise just how far I had run. It had been a blur. _Maybe I should have joined Thomas on the track, I could've had a ticket out of Bristol too, _I thought bitterly.

Leaving hadn't been what I wanted though; deep down and my resolution hadn't wavered, in spite of everything. I was firmly of the mindset that if I could make it there, I could make it anywhere. Clichéd as that might sound; my opinion is unchanged with regards to that truth. Bristol has shaped me, made and kept me strong. If nothing else, I am grateful for that aspect of my life to date. The hardships have moulded me, and it was just as well, because that night, I had another obstacle to face. I had been fortunate so far, but I knew that this wouldn't necessarily extend to what came next. I took a chance, unconvinced that Effy would appear in light of what I'd said. I had to sacrifice myself on the altar of dignity, like Heath Ledger in that movie I saw. I didn't have the means to make a grand gesture, all I had were useless and contrived words, but I tried anyway.

"I know you're there, lurking, you always are. I pissed you off, no, more than that, I hurt you. I didn't mean it and I'm really sorry." I got no response other than the taxi driver looking at me like I had totally lost it. I ignored him. "Please, can you at least show yourself so that I can explain?" She eventually materialised in a way that never seemed to get any less unnerving, with a blink, she was there as though she had always been. I wondered if she had followed me, glimpsing my mad dash and the tears that followed, like some guardian angel at my back. I didn't ask. I wasn't sure which answer I wanted. I stared into her eyes. "I'm sorry." I repeated.

She didn't smile, but I was heartened that she maintained eye contact. "It's alright Katie; I know you don't want me to go. That's the problem." As usual, she had hit the nail on the head. I nodded, biting my lip hard to stop all the words I couldn't say from breaking free.

Nevertheless I had to say something. _I just wish I could kiss you, just once. _I didn't speak that sentence aloud, of course, I'm not stupid, and instead I ventured for a vague truth. "I don't want to kiss some random stranger in a bar." I mumbled, my voice shaking as it tumbled out, mostly from the strain of keeping the other words inside of me.

"I can't be your girlfriend, I'm dead." She cut straight through my bullshit effortlessly once more, terrifying me. I took a deep breath and hoped that I didn't create the impression of being as flustered as I really was. My knees were jelly and I swallowed hard. _Just let go. _I reasoned, but it was easier said than done. I was set in my ways even if I honestly didn't know why I still bothered to try and hide. I suppose it was the fear and hopelessness that compelled me to fight to protect myself as best I could. My walls were the only defence left so I held fast even though the only person who suffered for these denials was me; I forgot my own lies and loose ends regularly, it was never-ending.

In addition there was the very real dilemma of deciding which Katie to be, not only day to day, but moment to moment. There were so many to chose from, my default setting of straight, bitchy Katie who didn't care about anything but sending a certain ghost on her way, the bashful, bi-curious Katie who was just having a flirty laugh, playing around with the bizarre situation, or the final and most truthful version of myself who was hopelessly in love with my best friend, and doomed to loneliness and despair because of it. I couldn't really win either way, only limit the hurt in the short term, but depending which character I adopted, I was pretty fucked in the long term. _You can only run from yourself and your feelings for so long._ I already felt like my legs were going to give out. _I can't cope with this anymore. _I was being ripped in half, finally comprehending what Ems meant when she spoke of being conflicted. I wasn't used it, normally I was dead set and upfront in my ideals. This was all foreign to me, scarier than a million ghosts or ghouls. Effy could have summoned the devil and I believe I would have rather gone head to head with Satan himself than try and explain to Effy how I felt. The distraction would have come in handy actually, a diversion from everything I couldn't verbalise.

"Don't you think I know that?" I shot back eventually, exasperated. My fingers tore through my hair, unable to reach out to the other girl. "I just…" Predictably there were no words waiting in reserve for me to string together.

Effy's remark wasn't what I expected. "What are you planning to do, kill yourself?" I almost laughed at that because it seemed to me to be the plot of every film that my sister unsuccessfully tried to get Naomi to watch. They all ended the same way, the lovelorn lesbian committing suicide as the violins screeched. I didn't chuckle though, I couldn't. Nothing about this situation was funny, nothing at all.

I thought of my strong survival instinct kicking in earlier amongst the shadows. "Don't be fucking ridiculous." I took another ragged breath and tried to be rational. _Maybe I can dip my toe in the pool._ I started at the beginning. "Can we please just agree no more matchmaking? I need time, okay."

Effy smiled but didn't have the usual force of her average smirk. "I'll agree, if you drop this whole, needing to touch me and prove something thing, and focus on the task in hand." My mouth gaped, but she wasn't done yet. "That means stop making wounded puppy dog eyes at me, Katie Fitch, you're doing it now." She added bluntly. _Fuck you! _I thought, scowling resentfully. I had already dropped that failed quest, and opened my mouth to say so, before hastily closing it again. In truth, I was more worried that she had noticed the way I was looking at her. _Had she known all along?_ I blushed at my lack of subtlety. "I'll try." I managed to reply through the vivid haze of my humiliation.

"Likewise then. I'll try to allow you to be content in your miser…I mean, singledom."

"Oi, I'm not miserable!" I wished I could punch her on the bicep for that, but I had to make do with a glare that displayed my malevolent intent. She raised her eyebrow, clearly disbelieving me, but nevertheless deciding there had been enough bad feeling between us for one night. At the same time, I acknowledged that first and foremost, that when I got home it was necessary to force myself to have a candid heart to heart with my sister. I would have to resist mentioning names and keep the supernatural out of it, but irrespective of those details, within the bigger picture, I was desperate for advice. I needed a sounding board and Emily was the only person in my life who would detach herself from the situation and listen without mockery, judgement or indiscretion. I needed a dose of her sensible, calm approach to get my life back on track and my heart decoded. For now though, I was marooned. There was nothing to do but endeavour and get through this weekend without messing things up more than I already had. I looked over at Effy before snapping my gaze away._ Be more obvious, Katie _I thought and opted for keeping my eyes fixed on the glass reflecting the town whizzing past me. "So much for a relaxing trip." I muttered with a yawn.

"Things will be better in the morning." Such an optimistic phrase seemed jarring out of the other girl's mouth and I snorted. It was just so out of the ordinary that I was unable to react any other way; my sniggering was unavoidable to be honest. Effy was not amused. "What, isn't that the kind of stuff you're supposed to say, I'm making an effort here, misery guts."

"I'm not miserable!" I shouted huffily, crossing my arms across my chest. The taxi driver jumped and Effy simply smirked at the outburst, happy to encourage me into overreactions without doing much at all. She relished it.

Within our friendship provocations such as this were common place. In the end, I smiled because her gesture, and my accompanying reaction told me that order, such as it could be considered, in the bedlam that had become my existence, had been restored. That reassurance that we could always find our way back, even if it was only reciprocal obligations that lead us there, quelled the nausea in the pit of my stomach. _I hate that I love you, of all people, and even worse, I hate that you seem to be bloody splitting your sides over this whole mess_. I reflected, turning to the other girl with a grin that was more solemn that I would have ideally liked to have shown. I didn't hate her at all and we both knew it. I wish I could, it would have made things simpler all around. Finally, I sighed and aimed to shrug the useless worries off my shoulders. As far as I was concerned, If this unorthodox relationship was all the universe would let me have, I figured I'd gladly grasp it, because although I was lovesick, I was still at practical person at my core and experience had taught me that any moments I could snatch, even the disheartening ones, were better than none at all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Please excuse any errors, I'm tired and hot and eager to get this chapter uploaded. The end is in sight, I'm provisionally calling this the penultimate chapter, in my head there is only one more to come, but I suppose we'll see. I hope you all enjoy.**

Life isn't like the movies, and that's a lesson that the universe has never tired of ramming down my throat at every conceivable opportunity. The party was no different, in spite of all the brainstorming, the hours we had spent with our heads together; it wasn't going to be effortless. Sneaking in somewhere you shouldn't be, especially an event like that, is never as simple as grabbing a tray of drinks and disguising yourself as a waitress. Although I'll admit that having the balls to walk in and not let yourself be challenged plays a big part, experience had taught me that. I had gate-crashed many lesser events through the years by simply strolling in like I owned the place. My Katie fucking Fitch, HBIC tag hadn't manifested itself for nothing. This time though, it was a high stakes game and bluffing would only take us so far. Besides that, it would have been ridiculous to ignore the hand we were dealt and the reality was that Michelle was familiar to a number of people at this party.

Lesson number 2, notoriety isn't always a bad thing. It can be an asset_. _In this instance it allowed us to secure an ally on the inside, and honestly I thought our hopes were sunk before that. I can't take the credit for finding someone sympathetic to our cause, in truth she approached us. I just crossed the T's and dotted the I's. I was essentially like a primary school teacher on a field trip, holding everybody's hands. I didn't mind, after all it was hard to summon up the necessary enthusiasm to do more than go through the motions, so I wouldn't have trusted myself in any other role. I was preoccupied by thoughts of Effy leaving. My heart to heart with Emily after getting back from York had only cemented in my own mind how unsure and unready I felt. There was no time to get my heart and mind fully in order. Soon I'd have to say goodbye, and it hardly seemed fair that it was happening in the same instance as I began to sort out the tangled mass of emotional strings within me.

"Ready girls?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by the question. I was still beyond shocked that Anthea was the one who finally volunteered to help Michelle. I had retained my prior impression that neither Stonem parent was very involved in their children's lives. I could see during my limited interaction with her parents that if we hadn't stepped in, nothing would have ever changed. Their daughter's death hadn't closed the emotional gap, or so it had seemed until we got the ball rolling. _Maybe I can take some credit after all. _I thought with a smile. Effy and I had opened up the lines of communication between her parents and that had clearly spread into other areas of the woman's life. She didn't seem so guarded. In fact, standing before us, I could read the woman like a book. Her eyes didn't betray a soulless vacuum, she clearly cared. It occurred to me that the spark might have existed all along, burning brighter than any of us realised. I didn't know for sure and I doubted I would ever truly know. Whenever I stopped to think about it, my mind revealed that the Stonem family dynamic was no less a mystery to me than it had been at the start of this adventure. _It won't be your problem soon,_ the voice in my head growled, making me frown. I couldn't escape that emptying hourglass. "Go get your man." She urged, taking the other girl in her arms.

I watched the display with the awkwardness of someone intruding on a private moment, trapped behind the other, visible brunette, with the invisible one at my back. "Stop imagining those rosy Sunday dinners with the mother-in-law; it's never going to happen." Effy quipped mercilessly in my ear, whispering although she had no reason to. _So much for our truce._ Regardless, it had lasted longer than I thought it would, and there had been no further matchmaking schemes so I considered myself pretty fortunate. I don't believe that I would have swallowed the comment and bitten my tongue if the roles had been reversed anyway, so I took a deep breath and suppressed an eye roll. _Let her use me as a distraction if she must. _ I knew what my friend was doing, trying to deflect. She was overwhelmed by the prospect of seeing her brother and I couldn't blame her. I wanted to be there through it all, to watch over her and protect her, but that wasn't the plan. I wished I could at least hold her hand for a moment or two, aware that a single reassuring squeeze would have meant so much.

"Let's do this shall we?" I remarked quickly, infusing my voice with an extra layer of cheeriness since Michelle and Effy were clearly bundles of nerves. I could feel the anxiety coming off Michelle especially in waves. The invisible girl was better at burying her worry, but we had been through enough for me to recognise that she wasn't actually faring any better. I shot her a smile hoping that she could read my face.

When we got inside, as agreed, I followed Effy to the dance floor. It was my job to blend in until the moment that I was needed and I intended to stick to my end of the bargain, fulfilling my duties to the letter. I didn't want the weight of a spectacular cock up on my hands. More to the point, I'm not going to deny that I didn't enjoy the prospect of dancing with a certain brunette, even if nobody else would ever know. I hadn't danced with her since York and my enjoyment had been cut short then, so I figured I was owed by the universe and I intended to collect. I was going to enjoy this for as long as I could. _My little slice of happiness amongst the chaos. _I never realised before that how close to someone you can dance without touching. Furthermore, I discovered that I was able to cheat perception and let my imagination fill in the gaps, it was easier with alcohol flowing through my veins, but I coped admirably nonetheless. All in all, it was almost as good as the real thing. _A little taste of what could have been._

"You've really got into character haven't you, taken the brief of random party goer to another level." I didn't open my eyes; I didn't want Effy's smirk or those disarming blue eyes to ruin the moment. It was mine, I deserved it and it was all I had. I danced faster. _Just give me a few more minutes, I need this._ Even as I finished the thought I knew it was hopeless. "Katie!" Effy voice was urging and snapped me out of my daydream. I looked up at her, unable to express everything verbally. Unspoken communication had never been an issue for us and I was grateful for that. _I know that tonight isn't about us, but…can we just…please…_ "Look lively Fitch, you get one more song and that's it, so make the most of it." She didn't need to tell me to do that, I already was. I simply grinned and moved closer to her, our hips swaying in synch, seen and unseen.

My blissful bubble was again burst soon after though, this time by a persistent tapping on my shoulder. I swivelled my gaze, not bothering to tone down the force of my glare. This wasn't part of the deal. _Oh great. _The source of my irritation was well-built bloke I'd never seen before. He was jacketless and his rolled up shirtsleeves exposed garish tattoos across the length of his forearms. I sighed, I could smell him from 20 yards away, I didn't even have to clock his sweat stains to know they were there. I grimaced in distaste, hoping that he would take the hint and go away. He didn't. "Dancing alone, eh sweetheart, well that'll never do." His grating cockney accent coupled with a patronising tone didn't do him any more favours in winning me over.

"I'm not alone." I muttered irritably. Effy watched the exchange stony-faced. I, at once, was desperate to possess her mixture of wit and indifference. I could tell that she was watching to see how I would handle this and it made me want to do more than dismiss him offhand. I couldn't even bring myself to feel sorry that I cared so much how she perceived me, even in instances like this when my focus should be on other things. It shouldn't have mattered but it did._ It always will. _After she was gone I'd probably still approach everything by asking myself 'what would Effy do?' and I didn't really know how to feel about that.

"Where's your date then, because I don't see anyone?" In spite of his painstakingly apparent low intellect, he had a point. I could feel her eyes on me, not his.

"My boyfriend couldn't make it; he's in prison." I paused, both for dramatic effect and to gather my thoughts. I had already lied so what was another exaggeration. If I was going to exploit the situation I might as well do it to the maximum. _GBH, murder, what's the difference._ "For murder." I added, my lips curling into a cruel smile. Effy's eyes flashed. I could tell that she wasn't expecting my retort and when her laughter boomed out, I could barely refrain from joining her. Nevertheless, I didn't want the loser to suss so I kept my face blank. His own expression was priceless. I'd never seen a guy back off so quickly and that's an achievement considering I'd witnessed a horny Pandora running loose in a college dorm room.

"Wow, Katie, I think that lie deserves another dance." I grinned triumphantly and turned my full attention back to the other girl without any persuasion. I took it as a good omen that one of my favourite songs started blasting through the speakers at that precise moment. I figured I needed all the good karma possible for that was about to happen next.

"I should go." I finally muttered, tearing myself away. Effy smiled. I recognised it as her good luck grin since she never failed to aim it at me during times like these. _Unfinished business is a bitch. _Worst still was what was to come when I had completed it, but I forced myself to put the truth of that out of my mind. I couldn't let my reluctance to say goodbye to the girl affect our plan and ruin everything at the last hurdle. _You've come this far. _

To cut a long story short, a glass of white wine colliding with an expensive top was generally thought to provide the perfect distraction. With Anthea's help I picked out and zoned in on my target, allowing gravity to do the rest. Once the poor girl was drenched I swooped in, putting in an Oscar worthy performance as the saviour of the hour. Whilst everybody else hopelessly flailed I simply took her arm and steered the unsuspecting girl in the direction of the bathroom. "Don't worry; I once got a shoe polish mark out of a Vera Wang." I lied confidently. It was that uncomplicated. No finesse required.

"Oh thank god." She retorted, utterly taken in. I closed the door as she removed her top without a second glance and threw it into the sink. I compelled myself not to look at her exposed chest as her ample breasts heaved against her pale pink bra. _Stop it, Katie. _My cheeks grew hot.

"Cold water." I instructed, praying that my voice didn't sound strangled. I had done my homework. "We have to soak it." That was the sum total of my involvement. In any case, I'd bought Michelle 30 uninterrupted minutes. _The rest is up to her_. "Ideally we should use laundry detergent, but I guess soap will have to do. I really am so sorry about this." I blathered on inanely, playing my ditzy part. Nevertheless, my apology wasn't entirely a lie. The stranger just shrugged, shivering slightly.

"It's fine, it was an accident, it's not like you set out to sabotage my big night." I laughed, hoping that she couldn't detect how shrill and false it sounded to my ears. A sour taste coated my tongue. Unable to do anything except nod, I passed her my jacket. It did little to wipe out the guilt I was already feeling and her grateful smile only further unravelled me. I felt like the worst human being on the planet and told myself to focus on images of Effy and Michelle, they were my friends after all, and I didn't even know this random girl and I certainly didn't owe her anything. "I'm Clara by the way."

"Emily." I replied, my sister's name falling from my lips easily. _Just in case._

"Well, don't feel like you're obligated to wait with me, Emily, go and enjoy the party, I'm probably going to be stuck here for a while."

I shook my head. "I don't mind staying; I could do with a breather anyway. I was hitting the dance floor pretty hard earlier." _And it's my job to keep an eye on you,_ the voice in my head silently added.

"Oh, I see, why do I get the feeling there's someone out there that you are trying to avoid?" The other girl laughed getting lost in her own story. I let her run with it. "A fellow dancer perhaps, someone a little too keen on bump and grind?" I couldn't help snorting. Against my better judgement I found myself liking Clara, she was funny and easy to talk to. Again I had the same sense that I'd experienced upon meeting Michelle, in another life or at another time we could have been friends. _This keeps happening to me. Clearly I need to start meeting friends through normal channels. _I exhaled, careful to curtail the wistful sigh that longed to escape.

"You caught me. That's exactly it. So, if you don't mind, I'll stay in here where it's safe from wandering hands." I busied myself with the fabric then, conscious of my internal clock counting down.

30 minutes goes agonisingly slowly when you are trying not to get charmed by a delightful stranger. All the while, Clara had me in stitches with her hilarious small talk. My jaw began to ache from smiling and I almost entirely forgot why I was there at varying points. It was easy to buy into my own con, especially when I longed for us to be two coincidental strangers. Whenever I felt myself getting too close though, I conjured up Effy's face in my head, hearing her voice in my ear. This girl wasn't my enemy but she could never be my friend. In spite of everything, when the time was eventually up, I was sad to rejoin the real world and not only because of the fallout that potentially waited for me. I handed Clara her top, looking away discretely as she slipped it on. "I'm sorry." I whispered again solemnly.

She laughed once more and the sound hit me squarely in the chest. "It's just a top." I shook my head. _If only._ It was so much more than that. How do you even begin to prepare a girl whose life is about to fall apart through no fault of her own? I had no idea. "Anyway, everything happens for a reason." She replied, interrupting my musings. Clara meant it light-heartedly, referring to our chance encounter. My stomach churned at the prospect she wanted to befriend me too. _I pray you hold onto that, _I thought. Either way, I couldn't disagree with the sentiment. _Every action has a reaction, _the niggling voice at the heart of me, retorted.


	14. Chapter 14

**I just want to say thank you to everyone who has ever favourited, alerted or especially, reviewed this story. There were many times when I didn't think I would reach the end, but here we are. So, I know I've already said this a lot, but I'm sincerely grateful to all of you for giving me feedback and chivvying me along. I really hope that you enjoy the ending as much as you have the rest of the story.**

I can't describe how I felt when piercing blue eyes locked with anxious brown. Seeing the girl upon leaving the bathroom caused me to experience countless emotions condensed into that split second. The first and foremost of which was relief, I wanted to scream from the rooftops my joy that she hadn't left me yet. That happiness was quickly overridden by suspicion, a heavy wave of doubt. I approached her assuming that our plan had failed, braced myself for bad news. Effy's smile proved me wrong, but rendered me even more confused and conflicted. She wasn't supposed to linger once the final task was complete, and although I wasn't sorry that she had, it still felt wrong. All the films I'd seen and books I'd read implied that with no more unfinished business the girl would vanish, but she was standing across from me as clear as ever. She hadn't even faded; at the very least I'd anticipated her form dimming. The fact that nothing had happened seemed to me to be torturous, another cruel joke played on me by the universe. I knew I should have been grateful and seized the extra time with her and that awareness made me feel worse, as if I was wishing her away. It wasn't that I looked forward to the goodbye, but I was ready, and I wasn't sure I could prepare myself for this scenario once more. The more time I had, the more I would crave and that was the truth of it. The longer it took for the grains of sand to fall, the worse the pain would be.

_Please just cut me one little bit of slack, for all I've succeeded in doing, please. _The words ricocheted around my mind like a solemn prayer, for all the good they did. Words were useless. I was out of my depth again. My ineptitude at all things supernatural was showing, and I just kept circling hopelessly around all the ways this was supposed to happen. I even started mentally counting up the deeds in my head in case there was something missing, but all I found was loose ends neatly tied up. I could see similar thoughts played out in tandem across the other girl's features and forced myself to look away. It would hurt too much to meet her eyes a second time, knowing that neither of us had the answers. To try and combat my inaction, I paced, feeling disconnected from all the joy around me, and obligatorily congratulated Michelle without any depth of feeling. Being preoccupied only added to the weight of my guilt. I should have been happy for her, and for Tony and Anthea too, after all, for them the final pieces had slotted into place. It wasn't their fault that I was lacking instructions. _Think, Katie, think. _It was impossible, I couldn't focus. I was on standby, as though somebody had pressed pause and the button had stuck. My insides felt like frozen jelly and people kept pressing celebratory wine glasses into my hands. Time stood still and yet raced simultaneously.

"Tell me what to do." I urged, at Effy, and at myself, glad that the noise of our group as they flowed out onto the street swallowed the sound. I barely registered that we were leaving the venue and Tony's mistakes behind; I was too concerned by any I might have made. _What if she's still here because I messed it all up? _I could find no other reason that made sense.

"The old Effy Stonem quickly manifested, putting on a show that she was apathetic when in actuality I knew that she was the opposite of zen about this whole situation. I didn't have it in me to be blasé. _I'm so tired, _I thought. "It's fucked up, Ef'"I retorted unhappily.

"You don't want me to go, do you?" She whispered earnestly dropping her pretence for a second. I shook my head, ignoring how blatantly obvious that question was as I chewed on my bottom lip. "So keep your chin up." There it was, back again in the blink of an eye, cheerful and faintly mocking. "Oh and Katie, smile, it might never happen." That old clichéd phrase didn't work because we both knew that everything we dreaded would come eventually whether I smiled or frowned. I suppressed a shudder, aware that it would look out of place amongst the jollity I was still wrapped up in. "You look like somebody died." She added, leaning in close. Her mischievous grin made me dissolve. I was powerless to stop the loud giggles that burst out of my chest, just like she'd known I would be.

"You really are the best distraction in the world, do you know that?" I managed to choke out through the laughter. My voice sounded wheezy and insubstantial, but I didn't care she had to know. Maybe I had finally lost it, but even smiling would have seemed a ridiculous idea a few moments ago and now, thanks to the girl at my side, I had let go. _What will I do without you? _

"Better than cake?" I picked up on her reference to my sister's less than subtle defence of Naomi Campbell straightaway despite the fact that I hadn't thought of Cook's 17th birthday since leaving on the night itself. Another wave of hysteria hit and I rode it until my chest hurt from laughing and I collapsed into a vacant chair, utterly spent. _How do you do it?_ The simple answer was that she was Effy Stonem, the only person I'd ever met who could flip your emotions around faster than you could grasp them. I'd said before, on multiple occasions that she was all-knowing and all seeing, but witnessing her in action, using those skills on you was still a sight to behold, no matter what. It was like I was a different person to the girl from a moment ago, my sadness had melted away. I could have almost forgotten myself entirely, put everything aside and enjoyed the party like the rest of the revellers, intoxicated. It occurred to me that the opportunity to be ignorant of reality and forsake what came next would be blissful, I longed for that, but the abundance of wine had no effect, and even ghosts had their limits. Effy couldn't utterly reboot my brain and I was unable to switch off, regardless of a temporary reprieve. Nevertheless, she tried again. "Come on, we never finished our dance…"

She couldn't physically drag me onto the dance floor of whatever club we had all wandered into, so I stayed rooted in place. A single tear rolled down my cheek. "We'll never finish anything; you can't pretend that you don't have to go just because we've hit some unknown snag. This is beyond borrowed time and I can't…" I had no words to complete that sentence. "Let's just go back, okay." She didn't protest, simply followed a few steps behind.

Meanwhile, I easily made my excuses and left. It wasn't difficult considering I guessed that I must look at least half as exhausted as I felt. Once we'd reached the hotel I didn't reveal to the other girl that I was scared to fall asleep, instead I justified my wakefulness as a desire to solve this mystery. Making a bee-line for the bar, I started brainstorming why it was that Effy was still here. I scribbled my frantic maze of imaginings across numerous napkins as she watched blankly, not offering to help. "Maybe you have to see them off at the airport?" It sounded absurd out loud, there had only been faint rumblings of a proposed trip to Asia to reconnect, and realistically it might not ever happen. _Especially if Michelle or Tony's bank balance is anything like mine._ The dark haired girl shrugged off my musings. I couldn't blame her, I was clutching at straws. "I suppose you getting me another job is out of the question?" I joked, not giving up. Greeted by a wall of silence, I once again poured over the stack of napkins.

I'm not sure how much time had passed before my empty glass was refilled; leaving a perfect ring across my notes and making me jump. The alcohol hadn't helped my thought process like I'd hoped and I'd pretty much forsaken it until that point.

"We don't get many thinkers here." I looked up and found the source of the voice, in the same way I had forgotten about the liquor, I had similarly overlooked the barman.

"I guess not." I mumbled, reluctant to engage him.

"So, what brings you to Cardiff?" I sighed. _Trust me to get the one bloke that's looking to chat away his shift. _Normally the lateness of the hour affords you anonymity and privacy, bar staff are tired and worn down, their minds already on home. I had been banking on those rules applying for me then.

"It's a long story; I wouldn't want to bore you."He didn't even acknowledge my answer; too busy staring at my chest, without a trace of discretion. The only sound was a faint hum of approval. I sighed, exhaling sharply as he winked at me. For the second time that night I was forced to endure the dickhead gene that I unknowingly seemed to awaken in men. I'd had enough. "Look, guy, I'm not interested, so walk away now, it's too late for your dignity, but you could maybe save your tackle if you quit this very second." I remarked, swinging a high-heeled foot for him to see. The threat was unmistakable, directness needs directness to match it, I've found. Unfortunately the unveiling of my bitchy side had the opposite effect to what I had intended. He was practically salivating. _For fuck's sake! _"I'll be clearer. You aren't going to get with me unless you've got a pussy and a pair of tits under that uniform and even if that happened to be the case_, _I'm so over being objectified, this isn't high school. Next time you might want to try the art of conversation." With an angry growl of frustration, I drowned my drink and pushed my empty glass towards him before finally getting up and walking away. _I guess the brainstorming session is over._

I turned back to Effy, unable to read her face after my outburst. "You need to stop behaving like this." I opened my mouth to refute her chastisement, but her laughter stopped me in my tracks. "If you keep on impressing me, I'll never want to leave."

"I wish you didn't have to." I said in response, pressing the key card into the slot. The door opened and she eased in ahead of me, glancing back so that her eyes could search my face.

"I know." I reached out and caressed her arm, causing her to spin fully around. I didn't let go in spite of the ice in my veins. Goosebumps raced across my skin and I still held on. We were inches apart and I willed her to feel something. She pulled away, turning her cheek to avoid me although I could plainly see the glimmer there. The tear drop appeared illuminated, at odds with the dim light. I brushed it away with my fingertip, my chest constricting at the contact. It was so cold that my mind couldn't help but draw comparisons to jumping into a frozen lake, I imagined myself submerged because the affect on my breathing was the same. Spikes of pain bloomed through my ribcage. "Katie, stop." She urged, stepping away again to save me from myself. Just like that, the connection was broken and warmth surged back through my body. In a few seconds it was like it hadn't happened at all.

"Tell me something true." I don't know what it was that made me say it, I think I just wanted to replace the connection I'd just lost. Regardless, I didn't expect Effy to actually answer. I told myself that it didn't matter if she avoided my plea, that I was holding my breath just in case, on the off chance, though indifference didn't suit me.

"I'll really miss you, Katie Fitch." It was barely a whisper, but it found my ear as though it had been sung forcefully with the backing of a full orchestra. I made a noise somewhere between a gasp and a whisper. She smiled. "Now it's your turn." If her tone had been in any way playful, I wouldn't have said what I did, and I'd probably have had to live with the regret for ever. As it was, the 3 little words flowed out naturally, as if the 8 letters belonged solely to the two of us in that room.

"I love you." I murmured unselfconsciously.

Not much more was said that night, it didn't need to be. In fact, if those had been my final words for all time I would have been satisfied, and when I closed my eyes, I was without remorse. Perhaps that is why sleep found me easily for the first time in weeks, all I know is that as soon as I woke up, bathed in the glow of the morning light, unfiltered out by cheap curtains, I felt serene, experiencing the kind of revitalisation that an expensive spa couldn't rival. _They should bottle this. _I instantly felt guilty for feeling this good when I knew; with total conviction that the feeling was at Effy's expense. I had gotten everything off my chest, but at the cost of the girl I loved. I'd opened myself up and as a result, she was gone. Unwittingly I'd found the key to her final deed. I didn't call her name, though I desperately wanted to, because she couldn't come to me. _Not this time. _There was nothing I could do to bring her back, so I sank down into the blankets. Of course they didn't smell like her and they weren't indented by the weight of her body, but I indulged myself with the memory of her watching over me as I had drifted off to sleep. There was comfort in that, visualising the look in her eyes and her genuine smile. "_We'll talk more tomorrow, sleep now…"_ Had I dreamt those words? I like to think not.

Continuing thoughts of her eventually guided me towards the mirror hanging on the wall. I didn't wince as I trod on the abandoned lipstick and it smothered my bare toes in an ill-advised shade of plum from somewhere within the depths of my handbag. _Nice parting gift, Ef', thanks. _It was in character enough to make me chuckle, chasing away the persistent melancholy as I pictured her leaving the tube there on purpose to that end. Shaking my head, I approached the glass, running my fingers across the surface.

_Katie _

To anyone else, the message looked like nothing, inconsequential. It would be misread, assumed that the crossing out signalled a mistake, or something over and done with. It would be overlooked or unseen, like so much we had accomplished. I, on the other hand, understood the deliberate, careful strokes, I noticed the tiny heart that dotted the i, I knew what it meant. Taking one last look, I opted to scrub it out, leaving only a faint trace of colour silhouetted before even that was obliterated by a persistent sweep of my hand. Once I had finished I pressed my fingertips to my lips, which had curved into a knowing smile. My final words echoed slightly in the empty room.

"I'll miss you too, Effy."


End file.
